


Just Other Years

by xaandiir



Series: SAD Series [2]
Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Domestic, Multi, less of an intense plot and focuses more on character/relationship development, this takes place after SAD and it'll be an interesting ride
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-02-25 19:27:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13219602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xaandiir/pseuds/xaandiir
Summary: Children make mistakes, and the Sides were no exception when Thomas was young. But they faced their consequences and are now left with Parker at their side. Everyone has to learn to deal with the new changes, especially Parker, who is not used to interacting with people after twenty years of solitude--especially when he has hurt these people so deeply.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We’re back!! I’m honestly still floored at the amount of attention that SAD got and how many people were interested in the sequel stories! Unlike SAD, which had a kind of intense overall plot, the sequel is a lot more domestic. Each chapter is its own kind of contained story with themes that follow the overall collection chronologically. I hope you all enjoy it, and thank you for sticking around with this plot!

Parker didn't want to be here. He knew that Patton meant well, but this wasn't a good idea. He knew it, and he knew that everyone else knew it too. But none of them wanted to go against Patton.

Parker finally pulled his gaze up from his hands to look at the other Sides sitting around the table with him. There was Roman to his left and Patton to his right, with Logan and Virgil on their own respective sides beyond that. Parker hated being seated at the head of the table, as though he held some kind of importance. It offset the dynamic. When there were only four of them, they could sit at the table with no one at the head, so they all shared the same level. They were all important and neither was more important than the other. But of course, Parker offset that dynamic when he returned.

It had been three days since what the Sides had decided to call The Incident. Parker had spent most of the time in his room, occasionally coming out to stretch his legs or eat something. The Sides didn't have to eat, not really, but there was a normalcy behind it. It allowed them to regulate Thomas's own eating patterns. And after twenty years of eating nothing, in the prison, Parker had grown to crave eating something. Now Patton wanted them all to be gathered together for dinner, but it was clear that Patton had something else in mind besides shared food.

"You haven't touched your food," Patton said gently, pointing to Parker's untouched plate with his fork. "It'll get cold."

"Sorry," Parker murmured. He picked up his own fork and pushed around the food, suddenly not having much of an appetite. After another long minute of silence from everyone at the table, Parker asked, "Patton, what is this about?"

Patton looked up innocently enough. "What do you mean?"

"We're aware that this is about more than food," said Logan as he set down his utensils. "Is this about Parker?"

By this point, Virgil and Roman had also stopped eating. Patton swallowed down his bite and sighed, putting down his fork. He said, "Yes. I think we should talk about this."

"What is there to talk about?" Virgil asked.

"Everything! It's been three days and nobody has said anything about…you know."

Parker continued pushing the food around on his plate. He didn't like this. It made his stomach twist, his insides coil. Parker didn't like having attention on him in general, and now Patton had called a, for lack of better term, family meal to discuss…things.

"What can we really say, Pat?" Virgil asked. "We were all there. It happened. Let's move on."

Patton shook his head. "It's not that simple! We haven't even talked about how Parker isn't…" He trailed off, and glanced at Parker, who cringed under his gaze.

"I know my role is different. I'm Sadness now, not Fear, but I don't think we need to talk about that," Parker said. His voice sounded like paper.

"A lot of things happened," Patton said. "We can't just ignore that. It's not healthy!"

"We're not ignoring anything," said Virgil. He pushed around the vegetables on his plate before dropping his fork again. "There's just nothing we need to talk about that we haven't already thought about a thousand times over."

Patton still didn't look convinced and it was Roman who added, "I think he has a point, Patton. Despite everything that happened, we don't really…what I mean to say is that it may not be the best idea to drudge up such feelings so soon after everything that's happened."

"Leaving it to sit isn't a solution either," Patton said.

"Maybe it is," Logan said. "At least for now. Emotions are too raw and things are too tense. It's a problem that can be dealt with another day."

Parker set down his fork, a little too loudly. Attention was once again drawn to him and Parker felt like his insides were completely tied in knots. He glanced up, catching the gaze of the others and immediately dropping his gaze again, submissively.

"Parker," said Patton, gently, like he was holding something fragile, something about to break. Parker felt sick. "Did you want to say something?"

Parker shook his head. "No. I just don't think that this is going to help."

"Parker…"

"No." He took a slow breath and lifted his head, willing himself not to look away when he saw all their eyes on him. "Nobody wants to talk about it so it's not going to do any good."

Patton's expression fell and he looked at the others, none of which seemed too eager to say anything. "It's not healthy to not say anything, though! Ignoring things is going to make matters worse!"

"What should we say?" Virgil asked. "Come on, for real. What sort of feel-good therapy session are you going for? Because I know what I would talk about, and it would not end with everyone singing kumbaya and getting along like he didn't try to kill us a few days ago."

"Virgil," Patton said sharply. Virgil looked away.

Parker knew that Virgil's tiredness had worn off over the past few days. He seemed more bitter, more on edge. The almost benevolent nature he'd shown to Parker on the first day was gone. Rightfully so, Parker imagined. After everything he did, Parker couldn't blame Virgil for any hostility he felt.

"He has a point," Logan said, echoing Roman from earlier. "At this point, we're all just too angry to really concentrate on fixing things."

"I'm not angry," Patton said.

Virgil rolled his eyes. "Then you're a liar too."

"Virgil," both Roman and Logan scolded together.

"How can Patton not be angry?" Virgil asked. "Don't tell me you've forgotten what he did to you and the rest of us already?"

"He was upset," Patton said.

"So am I but you don't see me jumping across the table with a knife!" Virgil looked at Parker and Parker immediately looked away, a chill running down his spine at the look in Virgil's eyes. "Things aren't going to be fixed with pretty words."

Patton stood up. "Virgil, you aren't helping matters. We can't ignore what happened until we all feel better. We might not feel better! I thought you would want us to talk about this and figure out how to solve this!"

Virgil stood up, equally heated. "How should we solve it, Patton? Act like everything is okay now? Maybe go back in time and stop Parker sooner? Go back further and let him out when you let me out? Stop Logan from putting him there in the first place? Stop Parker from getting so freaked out at all? I don't see any of those solutions actually working."

"Stop yelling at him," Roman said. "Patton is doing his best."

"Do you really have a place to talk? What have you done to make things better?" Virgil glared at Roman. His filter was gone completely. Virgil had tried to stay calm and collected and okay for a while, but Patton trying to push all of them to talk about this so suddenly and so quickly was only working Virgil up. "This whole thing is stupid."

Roman stood. "You're making matters worse by being so upset."

"Oh, so I should swallow my feelings now? I thought we were all open about our feelings! No hiding that anymore! Or do you mean I can only express myself when I'm being positive because my negative side is still too much to handle?"

"Virgil, stop it," Patton said, verging on tears.

Patton's tone almost caused Virgil to stop, but it was his anger that kept him going. "I just don't understand why you all are so quick to forgive him when it took you fifteen damn years to bother to ask for my  _name!_ "

"That is entirely different," Logan said, meeting Virgil's gaze with a challenging gaze. "I thought we had moved past this."

"Have we?" Virgil asked. "Because I seem to recall years of none of you ever giving me the time of the day, even acknowledging me, maybe outright treating me like a villain for doing my job. But Parker comes and tries to  _kill us_ but that can be solved by just talking it out, being nice, and having a family meal."

"You haven't been this openly hostile in a while."

Virgil let out a bitter laugh. "Gee I wonder why. I've been put on edge a bit in the last week."

Logan rose to his feet, putting all four of them at equal height. "And we are trying to solve that. I do not understand why you are becoming so defensive when we are only trying to resolve things better than we have in the past. Or would you rather that we give Parker the same treatment we mistakenly gave you?"

"No, of course not," Virgil said. "I just…!"

"Thank you for the meal, Patton," Parker mumbled. Everyone looked down at him, the only Side who wasn't standing. While they'd been arguing, Parker had cleaned his plate, eating every bit of food Patton had served him. He wiped his mouth with his napkin and set it down. "It was really good…Please excuse me."

No one said anything as Parker got to his feet and left, going back to his room. Patton stared down at the empty plate, his expression sad. He picked up the plate and left to the kitchen to rinse it off.

Virgil slowly sat down, and Logan and Roman followed suit. They remained silent as Patton returned, taking his seat. They ate without a word. Everyone felt too uncomfortable to say anything. Even Virgil had cooled down after his outburst.

"I don't want things to be like this," Patton finally said, towards the end of the meal. "Everything is still awkward and no one wants to talk and when we do talk, everyone's angry. I want things to be okay. I want things to feel…to feel more normal, like when we were kids."

"Things aren't going to feel like that again," Virgil said. "Too much has happened. No matter how much you may want it, things just…aren't going to be the same."

"Then I at least want it to be better." Patton put down his fork. "I want us to be able to talk. I want everyone to be able to look at Parker without cringing or glaring or feeling bad. I want Parker to be able to say something without being afraid that we're going to judge him or yell at him…Is that really so bad?"

Roman shook his head. "No, of course not. It's just not so easy, Patton. We all want to try, but it's only been a few days. It takes time to build a relationship again, and to heal where trust was lost…Plus, you need to give Parker some time. He feels betrayed by all of us as well."

"I know," Patton said. "But can't we try? Put in a little more effort? Parker isn't going to instigate it, so we need to do so ourselves."

Logan set down his utensils as well. He couldn't finish the meal; he'd lost his appetite. "Very well. We will keep that in mind."

"Thanks for the meal, Pat," Virgil said, pushing his plate away. He'd barely touched his food.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention this in the first chapter–but HUGE thanks to @cattonsanders on Tumblr for helping me plan out this project and for editing the chapters! I couldn’t have done it without you, friendo~ And thanks to everyone who have commented on the last chapter. It really helps keep me inspired and it helps bring other people into the story! Stay awesome :)

Parker stared at the ceiling. He was certain that there was some kind of pattern in the puckered ceiling, some way that the shapes aligned, to reveal something. They seemed so random, so out of place, but surely there was something there? Something Parker just couldn't see? He reached out a hand, trying to follow the indentations, to figure out the shapes. Maybe if he just kept staring, he'd be able to crack the code.

There was a soft knock on his door. Parker let his arm fall and wondered for a moment if he should not answer. Maybe he could pretend to be asleep. Parker took naps often enough, despite the nightmares. It wouldn't be anything too hard to believe. He could find out who was at his door another time, like next week, or maybe next month. Parker wondered if he really had to leave his room again.

"Parker?" Patton said softly, knocking on the door again. Parker's chest ached. The family dinner was a couple of nights ago, and Parker had yet to talk to any of them. He hadn't even seen them. Parker had kind of hoped that they'd forget he existed, and would just let him stay locked away in his room forever. They had been fine with that for twenty years, hadn't they?

But Parker couldn't bring himself to ignore Patton. After how much guilt Parker had poured onto him during The Incident, it left Parker feeling like he really owed Patton. And Patton really was trying.

"Yeah?" Parker replied, putting his arm over his eyes.

"Are you doing okay?"

Parker turned over and hugged a pillow close to him. His room was still bare, still dull. Parker had yet to find anything to fill or decorate it with. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence and Parker wondered if that was the end of it. Patton would leave, and then Parker would be alone, like he wanted, but there was a kind of crushing feeling behind it. A kind of…of…Parker couldn't identify it. He didn't want to be with the other Sides, since it made him sad and he knew he made the others uncomfortable, but the thought of Patton leaving also made him sad. Being approached and then left behind was worse than never being approached at all.

But Patton didn't leave and instead said, "Did you want to make cookies?"

Parker hesitated for a minute and sat up. "Cookies?" he repeated, as though he hadn't heard correctly.

"Yeah…I thought it might be nice to just do something together? You don't have to, but I just thought…"

Parker considered it, but he didn't have to consider for long. "Okay," he said.

There was a small stumbling sound, like Patton had tripped over thin air. "Really?"

Parker stood up and opened the door, finally looking at Patton in the hall. "Yeah. That sounds nice."

The smile Patton gave him was almost enough to make Parker forget the sadness he'd been feeling. Patton led him out to the commons and into the kitchen. Patton already had all of the ingredients laid out and Parker wondered if Patton was already planning to make cookies, whether he joined or not. He tried to push the thought away when Patton started talking.

"So I know that we can kind of just create them or use pre-packaged dough, but I thought it would be awesome to make the batter ourselves so we can eat some of the dough before we put the cookies in the oven! Don't tell Logan though, because he won't be very happy. He's always talking about how we can influence Thomas to get salmonella and I keep telling him that you don't get it from cookie dough but he always pulls up cases or he says that the FDA said that he could get some other disease but." Patton waved off his hands. "Anyway! We can get started and then get to making the cookies!"

Parker shifted uncertainly as Patton slipped on an apron. "Patton," he said, "I've never made cookies before."

Patton turned, eyes wide. "Oh. Right!"

"So…So I don't know how."

"I can teach you!" Patton grinned and held out another apron. "Here, put this on. It can get pretty messy! Or maybe that's just me."

Parker took the apron carefully, like it was something fragile that could crack, and slipped it over his head. Patton's giggling caused him to stop. "Am…Am I doing something wrong?"

"What? Oh no no!" Patton waved his hands frantically. "It's just, I think it would be more comfortable if you took your jacket off."

He wore it so often that Parker hadn't even thought about the fact that his jacket, with its puffy hood and general huge size, that hung off his thin frame like a suit that was never properly fitted, probably wasn't suitable for cooking. But…Parker didn't want to take it off. There was something safe and secure about it. It comforted him in a way that Parker couldn't quite explain. Even when he slept, while Parker took off his shoes, his pin, he never removed his jacket. He didn't want to remove it now.

"Do I have to?" Parker asked in a small voice.

Patton shifted and fiddled with the end of his apron's ties. "Oh, I don't suppose so…It might get a little messy, though."

"I think that's okay."

Parker walked over to Patton after he finished tying off his apron. Patton began explaining to Parker how they were going to make the dough, talking about softening butter and mixing ingredients, flour, chocolate chips. Everything kind of went over Parker's head, but he let Patton walk him through it and soon Parker was stirring a big pot as dough stiffened with flour and baking soda was poured in.

"Hey Patton?" Parker said softly. Patton replied with a hum. "You're really good at this."

Patton laughed, pouring a little more flour into the bowl as Parker stirred. "Thanks, kiddo. Logan says my baking is better than my cooking."

"Your cooking isn't bad."

Another laugh. "Why thank you."

Parker continued to stir, but paused for a moment. "You don't even need a recipe. Do you bake that often?"

Patton nodded and took over the stirring to give Parker a moment to rest. "I like baking. It helps me calm down."

"Like when you're upset?"

"Yeah. I like to make cookies when I'm having a bad day."

Parker leaned against the counter and messed with the end of one of the apron ties. "So…when you asked me to make cookies…"

"Oh I'm not having a bad day!" Patton shook his head quickly and nearly dropped the mixing bowl before he got a hold of it again and set it down on the counter. "I just thought…Well, you've been in your room for a while and I thought getting out to do something might be better, so—"

"So I was having the bad day?"

Patton stumbled over his words again before coming to a halt, clearly trying to find the words he really wanted to say. Parker felt his stomach twist and fold over. Flustering Patton hadn't been his intention, and nor had been getting him upset. It was just strange. Parker wasn't used to anyone reaching out to him. He hadn't thought it was so obvious when he was upset, but maybe it was.

"I'm sorry. It doesn't matter," Parker said. "I appreciate you inviting me to do this."

"Of course, Parker."

They were silent, then, and Patton turned on the oven to preheat while they scooped small balls of dough onto a cookie sheet. It was relaxing, and while the task was repetitive, it held a sort of rhythm that helped Parker to relax. Patton hummed softly as they worked and Parker struggled to figure out what the tune was from. It sounded like a song Parker had heard through a game of telephone, like he had never heard the song but had heard someone hum what they heard someone hum after hearing the song. It gave Parker a distant, nostalgic, somewhat bittersweet buzz in his stomach.

When Patton slid the sheet into the oven, Parker asked, "Hey Pat? What's that song from? The one you were humming."

Patton stood up and dusted his hands off on his apron. "Oh it's one of those Disney songs, kiddo! It's from Toy Story 2." He walked over and turned on the faucet.

"Toy Story got a sequel?"

Patton laughed and ran his hands under the water. "Well yes! It has a third movie too; it's a whole franchise! Come on, Parker, you know this song!  _When somebody loved me~_ …Go on, sing it!"

Parker stared at Patton for a moment before he looked down and fidgeted with the apron tie again. "I've never seen the movie."

Patton turned off the water and looked back. "Thomas saw the movie. We all saw it."

"Maybe you all did, but I was in the prison with no access to the rest of the mindscape." Parker wrapped the tie around his finger and he grew more agitated when Patton didn't say anything. Parker finally looked up and his heart seized when he saw tears in Patton's eyes. "P…Patton, I'm sorry, I don't know what I did but I didn't mean to make you upset."

"No, no…" Patton wiped his eyes quickly. "I'm sorry, kiddo. It's not you. I just…I didn't realize. I thought you still… _knew_  things in there."

Parker shook his head. "It was just me." Just Parker and his nightmares, after Virgil got out.

Patton looked like he wanted to say something, but just looked away. He looked at the oven, turned on the light, heard the little ding as the light flashed inside. "The cookies look about done," Parker said.

They didn't say anything more as Patton took the sheet out and set them out to cool. Parker still hung around while the cookies cooled down, but no more words were exchanged. It took some time before Patton began humming again, but this time they were songs from old Disney movies that Parker could still remember.

Parker missed the unknown songs.

After a while, the cookies had cooled, and Patton invited Parker to have the first taste. Parker picked up the one in the corner of the sheet and took a bite. Patton looked at Parker expectantly and Parker hummed in approval as the warm chocolate taste permeated his mouth, filling him with a warm, fuzzy feeling. It tasted like childhood.

"Tastes like Mom's," Parker said softly. When they were young, while they didn't physically need food, they shared Thomas's memories of such food. Anything Thomas had eaten, they could remember, and they could imagine what he had yet to eat. The cookies Thomas's mother made were always the best and something often shared around the mindscape. Parker thought he'd never taste them again.

Patton smiled. "He's had hundreds of cookies, but it's his mother's cookies that Thomas thinks of first." He took a cookie for himself and ate it, much faster than Parker's nibbling, but still enjoying every bite. "We can make them whenever you want. They always make me happier. They remind me of…" Patton trailed off, like he thought better than to finish that sentence.

Parker didn't think better of it. He said, "Of when we were kids." Patton nodded.

When Parker finished his cookie, he thanked Patton for the baking time and excused himself back to his room. Patton promised that the cookies would be there when Parker wanted them. Parker nodded, waved, and left. When he got back to his room, Parker laid down on the bed like nothing had changed, like he hadn't just spent the past half hour in the company of another Side. Like he hadn't forgotten about some of his troubled thoughts for just a short amount of time.

Parker rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling. His eyes traced the shapes again. One of them looked round, like a cookie.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still blown away by the awesome support this story is getting. You all are fantastic! I love seeing theories of how you all think this story is going to progress :) Thanks again for the comments/kudos!! Now enjoy~

Parker actually left his room of his own volition, deciding to try and spend a little time outside of his room. Nightmares had plagued his time spent asleep and it had left him more exhausted than usual. His room was a perpetual cycle of bad feelings and the memories of the Incident were still painfully fresh, filling his nights with more horrific images and scenes that woke him in a panic. He just had to get out of that room.

The others usually spent a lot of their time in their own rooms, so the commons seemed like a safe place to camp out, even for just a little bit. Parker's room just always left him feeling kind of sad, so it was nice to get out and try to feel just numb for a while.

Unfortunately, the commons were already being occupied, with Roman on the couch. Parker turned on his heel to go back, but Roman noticed him before he left.

"Parker," Roman said, getting to his feet. Parker looked back, then at the ground. "I, um…how are you doing?"

"Fine," Parker replied.

Roman nodded, though he looked like he didn't really believe Parker. "I, uh. I was wondering. Did you want to do something?"

Parker turned a little more, facing more fully towards him. "Do something?"

"Yeah." Roman stood a little straighter, a light of determination entering his eyes. "I know things have been awkward because of…you know. But I want to be able to move past that. I want to be able to have fun with you again, Parker. Don't you remember the good times we had as kids?"

Parker would be lying if he said that he didn't. He could still remember sword battles with cardboard swords, conjuring up grand settings for their battles. Roman always wanted to be the hero so Parker would always accept his role as the villain, creating dragon witches and other vicious creatures for Roman to (safely) battle and barely (but always) defeat.

The memory just made Parker sad, now, and reminded him too much of his recent role as a true villain. Parker pushed the thoughts away.

"Can we? Please, Parker?" Roman asked, in that tone of voice that Parker just couldn't say no to.

Roman took him past the commons and out into the mindscape, to the edge of where imagination met dreams. Parker stared out past that, where he saw darkness creeping in the distance. The back of the mind, and just beyond that, the subconscious. His stomach churned uncomfortably, remembering the Incident. Those thoughts were never far from his mind, and he always had to physically push them from his mind.

Parker was led to a blank space of the mindscape, the imagination, where anything could be created. Parker liked this area better. It was full of nothing but good memories of childhood, when they would spend hours upon hours creating fun scenarios for all of them to engage and have fun. Roman always had the ideas and Parker helped build the environment. After all, could you really enjoy a cool battle without nerves eating away at you and making your hands shake?

"Is there a plan?" Parker asked, looking around at the blank space. The white canvas of landscape gave way to the interior of a cave, with high walls and low lighting, lit by crystals that glowed, giving off a vague red overlay to the room. Parker turned, meeting Roman's grin. "What?"

"We never made plans when we were kids. We just did it."

"But what are we  _doing?_ "

Roman raised a hand in a grand gesture, and behind him appeared a dragon. It was huge, utterly towering over Roman, easily five times his size. It reminded Parker of the dragon from Sleeping Beauty, with its pitch-black glimmering scales and stark violet underbelly that was bathed in red like it was already dripping in blood.

The dragon lunged forward, fangs bared, but before Parker could yell out a warning, Roman twirled around, throwing up his sword. The metal clashed against the dragon's teeth, creating a sharp explosion of sound as though Roman had only met with another blade than with the incisors of the beast. Roman just laughed, fighting back, getting a couple harmless nicks onto the dragon and jumping back in defense of the bursts of flames that erupted from the dragon's mouth. Parker felt heat wash over him with every spout of fire.

Parker honestly didn't know what to do. Roman had created the epic battle already. Parker didn't know how to step in—or even if he should, and ruin Roman's fun. He shifted on his feet, not certain, and ultimately decided instead that he would just take a seat and watch. As Parker sat, rocks molded under him, forming into a more comfortable chair that he could settle into and watch.

Roman glanced over his shoulder as he parried another blow. "What are you doing?"

"Watching you."

"What? That's not what I wanted!"

Parker blinked and uneasily got to his feet. "It's not? But…"

"I invited you here to have fun."

"I…" Parker looked around, as though there was something he'd missed. Everything looked the same. Was there a joke he wasn't getting? Was that it? "I don't know what to do."

Roman laughed, but there was a frustrated edge to the sound. He stumbled backwards, nearly missing a block on another attack, but he didn't look shaken by the misstep. The dragon even paused, as though making sure that the battle could go on before continuing. "What you always do! When we were kids!"

"When we were kids," Parker repeated blankly.

Roman groaned and put his sword down. The dragon froze, mid-lunge, as though someone had just paused a movie. Roman turned to face him, like a parent getting ready to scold their child. "What you always did. You made it fun, exciting!"

"You mean when I made you…afraid?"

That made Roman look much happier and he nodded eagerly. "Yes, yes! Exactly!"

Parker's stomach churned. He suddenly didn't want to be there anymore. It made him afraid. He glanced back, as though searching for a way to escape. "Um. I don't know, Roman. It's been a long time and I don't even think I can—"

"Please, Parker?"

Again, Parker was rendered unable to say no to that. He nodded, not wanting to disappoint Roman after he had gone out of his way to try and include Parker in something, even after everything that Parker did. Parker didn't deserve it, but Roman was still there to give it to him. The least Parker could do was help Roman be happy, and do what he asked.

Roman turned back and the scene resumed. Sword against claws and teeth, slicing through fire, the red bathing them all like blood was dripping down the walls. Parker shook his head. He concentrated. Fear, he had to make fear…He did it before, surely, he could do it now? Yet even as he tried to concentrate and create it, as he had before, when he was himself, when he wasn't  _this_  now, his hands began to shake. When he'd created fear, he had lost control. He had become a monster. He would only become a monster now, growing a tail and wings and be covered in scales and spew fire or maybe just pain, making everything worse, far worse.

"Parker!" Roman called in surprise. Parker's hands trembled violently, and his knees buckled, sending him down to one knee.

The red light in the room shifted dramatically, bathing the room in a dull blue instead. The fire spewing from the dragon's mouth transformed into water, washing over Roman's legs and up to Parker's waist. It was as though a thick blanket had settled in the room, pressing all of them down, suppressing emotions. Roman felt tears well in his eyes and he wiped them furiously. "Parker…"

"I'm sorry," Parker mumbled. He pressed hands over his face. "I'm trying, I promise I'm trying, but it's not working. I don't know what I'm doing. It's not working, it's only getting worse." His shoulders quaked, and the blanket pressed harder, making the air thick and hard to breathe.

"Parker!" Roman repeated, louder this time. He waved his arms and the cave disappeared, the dragon dissipated into dust, and the blank space of the imagination returned. The water still pooled underfoot.

Parker looked up, seeing the scene gone. His chest ached, as though someone was physically driving something sharp through it. He wiped at his moist eyes and willed the water away, leaving the both of them dry once again.

"I'm sorry," Parker repeated softly, staring down at the ground. Roman had only wanted to have a good time and here he had gone, ruining it. "I can't do it."

"It's okay." Roman hesitated before moving closer and kneeling beside Parker. Parker shied away from him, slightly. Roman made no move to get closer or back off. "It's okay," he repeated.

Parker concentrated on his hands. He pulled at his sleeves. "I tried. I really tried."

"I know."

"I'm not Fear anymore."

A brief pause. "I know."

Parker sucked in a deep breath, wishing that it would alleviate the pressure on his chest, but it only grew harder to breathe. He closed his eyes. "I ruined it again, didn't I?"

"You didn't ruin anything."

"You wanted to have fun, but I couldn't even help you. I just made things worse. I made you stop."

"Parker, look at me." Parker did as instruct and met Roman's eyes. He willed himself not to look away. "I shouldn't have forced you like that. And I should have known that things aren't the same as before. That's not your fault."

The words didn't really comfort Parker, but he only nodded.

Roman let silence sit between them for a long moment. Parker began to wonder if he should make an excuse to leave, to go back to his room because he should have never left in the first place, but then Roman said, "Do you want to go watch a movie?"

Less than five minutes later, they in Roman's room. Parker marveled at how different it looked from when they were kids. Roman's room had always been the most ostentatious, with plenty of colors and toys and books and all of Thomas's interests conglomerated into that one room. But now Roman's room was almost exclusively decorated in red, full of Disney paraphernalia and shelves of books and movies and games, a canopy above the wide king-sized bed—prince-sized, perhaps?—and the fuzzy carpet underfoot looked really soft. Parker wanted to touch it, or feel it under his bare toes, but he kept his hands to himself and his shoes on instead.

"Which movie would be best?" Roman asked, going through his shelf dedicated exclusively to Disney movies. "We've got the classics, the  _Snow Whites_  and  _Lion King_  but I've also got  _Frozen_  and  _Zootopia_ …Oh! We just got  _Moana_ , now there's a great movie! Which sounds best?"

Parker shrugged, not moving from his perch on the edge of Roman's bed. "I haven't seen most of those."

Roman spun around on his heel, eyes open wide. Parker worried for a moment that he had offended him. However instead, Roman just said, "You haven't?"

Parker shrugged again, more self-conscious this time. "I was in the prison for a long time…I never got to see a lot of the movies."

There was another long silence and Roman was definitely thinking, trying to figure something out. Parker swore he saw cogs moving in Roman's head, behind the windows of his eyes.

"We'll watch all of them," Roman decided.

Parker stared. "What?"

"Not all at once, of course. But it can be something we do, together. Once or twice a week, we can get together, and watch a movie. From the beginning to the present. Then you'll have seen all of them."

Parker could hardly believe his ears. He continued to stare at Roman, expecting him to declare that it was just a joke or that it wouldn't last. But Roman seemed entirely serious. When Parker finally found his voice again, he said, "Okay. That sounds like a plan."

Roman's lips spread into one of his wide, charming smiles, and Parker felt himself relax. Roman turned back to the shelf, sliding his finger along the titles until he found the one he was looking for. "We'll start from the top.  _Snow White._ "

Not long after, the lights were off, and the beginning trills of the movie's opening filled the air as it played on the large television Roman had mounted on the wall facing his bed. Roman had changed into his pajamas and was snuggled under his covers, getting comfortable. Parker had opted to stay in his clothes, and while he was laying back like Roman, he was on top of the covers and had given Roman ample space for himself. But Parker was comfortable, and the prospect of not only catching up on some of what he'd missed over the past two decades but also spending more time out of his room  _and_  in the comfort of another Side who didn't seem especially angry with him…it seemed like a pleasant dream Parker would wake up from.

But instead, he only drifted off partway through the movie. After all, he'd seen this one, and this was the first comfortable place Parker had been able to sleep in in quite a while. Roman didn't mind.


	4. Chapter 4

 

"I don't think this is a good idea," said Virgil.

"Noted," Parker sighed.

They sat in the blank space of the imagination, Virgil seated on the ground and Parker standing, hands raised. Parker closed his eyes, trying to concentrate. He knew there were several things he could do as a Side. He could create things out of thin air in the mindscape. He could influence Thomas's line of thinking. He had emotional influence. But there were other things that he could only do as Fear. He could make people feel afraid, like a jolt of fight-or-flight. He could quell such feelings as well. And, just recently, he discovered that he could also tap into others' fears, create phantom scenarios to reflect such fears, and create complete hell for the one he wanted to harm. Parker hated that part of himself.

But that wasn't who he was now. He was Sadness, and Parker had no idea what that entailed. What could he do? What could he not do? He couldn't make people afraid anymore—his unfortunate experience with Roman proved just that. But it only made Parker wonder what more he could do, yet he had no idea how to go about figuring that out.

"It's a bad idea."

Parker exhaled through his nose, frustration bubbling within. He had hoped to go out and figure this out alone, where there would be no consequences. But Virgil had caught him, asked him what he was doing, and now he had come along. Essentially everything out of his mouth was telling Parker that he shouldn't be doing this and that something bad was going to happen. Parker wanted to tell Virgil to just leave if he was so worried, but the harsh words balked in his mouth before they could escape him.

"I don't need you to keep telling me that," Parker said softly.

"Then tell me to leave."

That made Parker sigh and he shifted on his feet and pulled at his sleeves. He didn't want to tell Virgil to leave. This was the most time they'd spent in one another's company without supervision from someone else. Even though it made Parker uncomfortable, he liked it this way because maybe they were making some kind of progress, right? Something was different about this. They were in each other's presence and not yelling at each other. It was tense, but it wasn't hostile. That had to account for something, surely.

The silence permeated between them, settling uncomfortably, and Parker prayed that something would happen to break it.

Virgil sat back on his palms, staring at Parker. "What are you even trying to accomplish?"

Parker exhaled slowly through his nose. The silence was broken, but he felt no less uneasy. "I want to know what I can do." Parker straightened and opened his eyes. Clearly this would get him nowhere. He didn't even know what to try to do. What did he do last time, with Roman? He created water? But he could do that when he was Fear. Or maybe he was still Sadness, then? Parker couldn't tell. "You all can do something cool because of your role. I want to know what I can do."

"But why? You can figure that out naturally. You don't have to try to force it here or something."

Parker crossed his arms, then dropped them, pulled his sleeves then readjusted them again. Unease ate away at his insides. "I don't want to wait. I want to know."

"We all had to figure that stuff out ourselves. It took time."

Parker shook his head. "We were kids then. We figured it out and then we grew up and you've all had your chance to figure out the little things you could do, what influence you had. I don't know any of that. This is all new and…weird."

When Parker glanced back at Virgil, he found that Virgil was staring at him with intense eyes. Parker swallowed and looked away, natural instincts taking over again. There was something about Virgil that still made Parker flinch and shy away. He couldn't even hold Virgil's gaze for too long without feeling like he wanted to cry. Then again, most everything made Parker feel like crying lately.

"What can you do?" Parker asked. "Your powers, or influence. What can you do?"

Virgil shrugged. "Make Thomas uneasy with a single sentence."

 _That makes sense,_  Parker thought, his own anxiety sliding down his back like cold water. "What else?"

"I don't know."

"You must know something. You've had fifteen years here with Thomas. You became a big influence during his adolescence and you—"

"Okay fine," Virgil snapped. Parker immediately shut up. Virgil was silent for a moment, thinking. "I can make Thomas uneasy. He listens to me before he listens to anyone else because I'm the voice of reason."

"Logan is the voice of reason."

Virgil rolled his eyes. "I'm the voice of reason in the sense that fight-or-flight trumps everything else. Your instinct to stay alive is what you listen to before you figure out if it's a situation that's going to kill you."

Parker nodded.

"I guess I affect the atmosphere too? But I don't have superpowers. I'm not like Logan who can make any props appear in the physical realm, or Patton who can literally light up a room or Roman who can make dreams come true out of nowhere and make everyone happy. I just try to keep Thomas safe."

Parker nodded again, looked away. He stared out towards the back of the mind, where darkness mingled with the blank edge of the imagination. Parker let his gaze linger there for a while until he looked away.

"I just want to know if I can do anything like that," Parker said. "And I don't want to wait to figure it out. I've done my share of waiting, and it's been frustrating. I want to know."

Virgil sighed and sat forward, hunching. His bangs fell in front of his eyes, guarding him even more than usual. "Fine. Try something. Make me feel something or whatever."

Parker glanced at Virgil, not sure if he should actually try anything. Virgil only stared back at him expectantly, so Parker took a breath and tried to concentrate. His concentration was broken almost immediately, however, with a frustrated sigh. Parker messed with the pin on his shirt, filling time, creating a distraction.

"Maybe this is a bad idea," Parker mumbled.

Virgil groaned. "You're the one who brought this up and made such a big deal out of it just now. Just get it over with."

"It's not that easy."

"Yes it is. Just do something. For once I'm telling someone to not think before doing, so come  _on_ , just get it over with, will you?"

Parker shifted again, still uncomfortable with the idea, but he nodded. Parker closed his eyes. He took a breath. He concentrated again. Make something. Make anything. Logan can make them see reason, Virgil can make them anxious, Roman can make them hopeful and Patton can make them happy. But did that mean that Parker would only make Virgil—?

"God—what?!"

Parker opened his eyes to find tears streaking down Virgil's face. Virgil's hands shook, and he stumbled to his feet, nearly falling over as he did. Parker took a half step forward, then three back, not sure what he should do. Something was wrong—no, not just something. Everything was wrong. A heavy pit settled in Parker's stomach and he suddenly felt sick, like he was going to throw up.

"Virgil?" Parker managed to say.

"What the hell are you doing?" Virgil shouted back. There was an echo in his voice and Parker felt his stomach plummet and a sudden voice screamed at him to  _leave leave leave!_  But his feet were firmly planted, and his mouth bobbed open and shut. "God, is this why you didn't tell me to leave?"

Parker's voice was weak as he stammered, "What?"

"You're just…" More tears, and Virgil wiped at them furiously, smearing the eyeshadow under his eyes in the process so it streaked in black lines across his face. His words came out sputtering and gasping and Virgil's whole body was shaking. "You're trying to make me feel  _guilty?_ "

"What? No!" Parker's mouth was dry, swabbed with cotton. He felt tears in his own eyes. Was he doing this? How could he stop? He didn't know how. He didn't even know what was going on.

"You can't put this on me!" Virgil shouted. His voice was echoing even more, reverberating in Parker's ears and making his head spin. His volume rose as well, becoming deafening, encasing Parker. "I tried to defend you! You hurt me and the rest of us and now you're trying to make me feel bad like you're the victim here?"

Parker was making Virgil guilty. That realization barely permeated the spinning that disoriented Parker. He could feel it himself. The guilt, the sadness, and more importantly, the anxiety of an oncoming panic attack that manifested in Virgil's sporadic breathing and hands shaking with adrenaline.

"Virgil, I didn't mean to," Parker said. He didn't even know what he meant. He didn't mean to make Virgil feel upset and guilty now or he didn't mean to hurt them before? Maybe he meant both.

"It doesn't matter! You did! You are!" Virgil's breaths came out in pants. Parker felt his own breathing begin to reflect that. Short labored breaths, making his head spin with more velocity, making the floor beneath him tilt. "God, this is your fault, Parker, it's all your fault! All of it!"

Parker's head was swimming. His feelings, Virgil's feelings—they were physical, and they were weighing down on Parker. They were slipping down his throat and suffocating him. Parker couldn't breathe with this mess of emotions crushing him like physical concrete filling up from his toes. Anger was topping him off, coating him in violent red and suddenly Parker couldn't find his filter.

"You all put me there in the first place!" Parker shouted. He wanted these feelings to stop, leave him alone. "You weren't kept there that whole time! You were out here with the others, getting better, being whole again."

"I was demonized because of what you did. I was the villain, for fifteen years!"

Parker held his head, screams echoing in his ears, splitting his skull in two. Everything was too much. "Stop it, stop it!"

"I wish you'd stayed in the prison!" Virgil shouted, his words cutting through the concrete sharper than any blade ever could have. Then, Virgil sunk out. Gone. Parker was alone again, just as he'd wanted.

It took Parker a few minutes to be able to breathe properly again. He felt disoriented and lost. His head throbbed with a violent headache that sent him down to his knees, his head being held in his hands until it passed. It never did, but it at least let up, along with the concrete. The concrete melted away, slowly, poured out of his body and left him feeling ridiculously light, as though he'd been filled with helium. Parker was lightheaded as he took deep breaths. He situated himself again. The anger was gone, the panic had faded, and without Virgil there, he felt more solid, more grounded.

Parker stared around him, like he expected to be elsewhere, but he was still in the imagination. Virgil was still gone. Parker had no idea what he'd just done, and it took a long time to figure it out.

Logan can make them see reason, Virgil can make them anxious, Roman can make them hopeful and Patton can make them happy. Parker could only make people sad and guilty. That couldn't help solve problems. That couldn't protect someone from danger. That couldn't lift someone's spirits. That couldn't make someone  _happy_.

That could only hurt people, and Parker had continued to hurt them. First it was Virgil, and Parker had experienced it in full force. He'd hurt Virgil so terribly. Parker wondered if he would ever be able to stop hurting people.


	5. Chapter 5

The first dream Parker had was a good one.

He was five again, surrounded by his friends. Swords clashed against one another and giggles permeated the area. Parker was absolutely filled with happiness; enough to make the air sparkle and spin with rosy colors and bright yellows dotting every space.

Roman smacked away Virgil’s sword and laughed loudly as Virgil scrambled after it. He stood with his chest puffed out and proclaimed in his high, pre-pubescent voice, “I am the greatest swordsman ever! No one can ever beat me!”

Parker grinned and scrambled up to face Roman. His hair was dark again, and he stood at some measly three-and-a-half feet tall. He wouldn’t look threatening in any sense, but Roman was just as tiny and unformidable.

“I shall face you!” Parker proclaimed. He threw out his sword, challenging the reigning champion. “I will defend Anxiety’s honor!”

Roman laughed loudly and Virgil watched the both of them with wide eyes. Patton and Logan had stopped with their play sparring to watch as well.

“You fool! You shall never defeat me!” Roman grinned and threw his sword out in response, hitting the tips of their weapons together. “No honor shall be reclaimed!”

Parker rolled his eyes and swiped his sword. It clashed with Roman’s, but Roman threw his weight forward and met the force. He tried to push Parker back, but Parker accepted the push and hopped backwards. Roman stumbled forward and Parker swung again. Roman managed to only just keep himself from eating dirt and he thrust blade forward. Parker just sidestepped and giggled.

“You’ll have to try harder than that!” Parker shouted as he skipped backwards, like the cool protagonists in the animes Thomas watched did. Logan and Patton scrambled to get out of the way before Parker bumped into them.

Roman jumped forward and attacked, the tip of the blade narrowly missing Parker’s stomach. Parker let out a cry of surprise, stumbling and falling onto his butt. Roman moved closer and their swords clashed. Roman shoved his weight forward and the swords pushed closer to his face.

“Stop, stop!” Virgil cried, covering his eyes. “You’re going to get hurt! Stop it!”

Parker and Roman both stopped and looked back at him. Parker grinned and said, “Don’t worry!! It’s okay! Look!” Virgil slowly spread his fingers and peeked through the gaps. Parker threw his sword directly up into the sky, and it burst into flower petals, raining down on all of them. “You don’t have to be afraid. I promise.”

Virgil let his hands drop and he stare up at the petals as they fluttered down around them. He looked back at Parker and said softly, “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“I won’t ever hurt anyone,” Parker said. “I swear. Cross my heart and hope to die.” Parker did the gesture, crossing an X over his chest for good measure. That made Virgil smile.

“Okay,” Virgil said.

The dream faded suddenly. When Parker opened his eyes, and found the familiar shapes dancing across his ceiling, he felt a lump rise in his throat. He turned over and buried under his sheets, trying to fall back asleep, trying to get back to the wonderful dream he had abandoned without care. Sleep never came, and the dream never returned.

The second dream Parker had was not a good one.

He couldn’t remember what he did. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe it wasn’t. But there was just so much screaming and screaming and _screaming_. Parker clamped his hands over his ears and knelt, trying to become smaller, trying to disappear.

“What did you do?” Parker flinched at the loud, booming voice and he looked up to find Virgil in his face, grabbing his arms, shaking him. “What did you _do?!_ ”

“I-I…”

Now Virgil stumbled back. His feet splashed through water. Parker looked down at the dark pools of water surrounding them. Did he make that? Was this his fault? Confusion swam between Parker’s ears and the floor tilted to one side. Virgil shrieked, and the sound tore through Parker and shoved him to the ground. Virgil. Where was Virgil? Virgil was gone, lost in the sudden darkness that swallowed them up.

“Virgil?” Parker gasped. He struggled to his feet, water splashing up and hitting his face. The icy liquid clung to his cheeks and froze. Frost ate away at him, freezing him down to his bones. He felt nothing but the sharp pain of the cold. He stared out at where he lost saw Virgil, before he had dissipated into the shadows. “Virgil! Where are you?”

Voices hummed around him and Parker ran forward. His feet slipped on the water, but he kept moving, tumbling over himself but always keeping his footing. His arms flailed out around him, searching for some kind of support. He wanted Virgil. Where was Virgil? Where was he? Where did he go?

“Virgil!” Parker screamed again. His voice cracked, a sign of pubescence, and he was suddenly in his thirteen-year-old body. He kept moving as though nothing had changed until he fell over his own feet and hit the ground, sprawling out against the water that quickly encased him. He swallowed down some of the water in the fall and sputtered as he sat up, trying to cough up the vile liquid that he’d consumed. The voices were louder now, booming in his ears.

 _“You’re safe, you’re safe,”_ the voices bellowed, shaking him down to his bones, making his teeth rattle. Parker gasped and coughed. The water levels rose and the cold clung to his chest. It seeped through his shirt, his skin, down into his heart where his heart frantically beat to stay alive and keep him warm. Warmth. Where was the warmth?

 _“You’re safe from him, you’re safe from him,”_ the voices chanted, changing and growing. _“Leave him in. Leave him there.”_

Parker let out a scream of no words, just a cry for attention. The voices didn’t change so he yelled, “Please! Let me out! Virgil! _Virgil!_ ”

_“He’s dangerous. He’s dangerous. He’ll hurt me. He already hurt me.”_

The voices sounded more like Virgil now and each word boomed. A new heartbeat burst around him, drilled him down against the ground. The water enveloped him and pulled him deeper and deeper until he couldn’t see the surface and there was nothing but darkness and that incessant beat. Parker screamed again, begging to be heard and pulled out of the depths. But no one came.

Parker awoke with a start, a gasp clawing its way out of his throat and he coughed and hacked, trying to release the water that had filled his lungs. But there was none. He was left shaking in his bed, clutching a pillow close to his chest and trying to keep his sobs silent.

The third dream Parker had was the worst one.

He was alone. Parker didn’t know where he was, but he knew he was alone. He didn’t know who he should have been looking for, but he knew that someone should have been there with him. Roman? Patton? Logan? Virgil?

Parker wandered, trying to search for someone. He wandered halls and fields and buildings and nothingness. He wandered until he couldn’t remember what he was wandering for. Then he came to a wall, and suddenly it all came back to him.

“Let me out,” Parker whispered. He pressed a hand to the wall, and then two, and then he banged his fists against the wall. “Let me out!” He yelled this time. Another pound, then two more. His breaths came in spurts and he banged on the wall until his hands ached and he sank down to his knees, sobs and breaths catching in his throat as his body shook violently.

“Did you expect that they would just let you out?”

Parker turned and fell back. He backed away but was met with the wall, so he pressed up against that instead. He stared back at himself—except, it wasn’t quite him. It wasn’t the Parker that he was now. It was the Parker from before. Fear. But not the child, not the lighthearted Fear that brought encouraged bravery. This was the Fear that fed off of negativity and terror and indulged in darkness and suffering. The Fear of nightmares. The Fear Parker hated.

“Leave me alone,” Parker said. “Go away. Go away right now.”

“I can’t. I’m a part of you,” Fear replied. He grinned, and Parker never realized how sickening that grin was. Blinding white teeth against blue skin, like he was a walking corpse that had frozen under a cold sea. Parker felt so cold.

Parker swallowed and tried to press against the wall again, but he was still stuck. When he spoke, his voice trembled. “You’re not. You’re not me anymore.”

“Not you anymore,” Fear repeated with a laugh. “You think you can cut me away? You may not have my power anymore, but I’m still you.”

“You’re not power.”

“I’m not?”

Parker stared, and a tremor ran through his hands. Fear continued to stare back, meeting Parker’s eyes with his cold and lifeless ones. Parker hated this. He didn’t want this. He never wanted to face this part of himself again.

“I’m your history,” Fear added.

“I hate you.”

Fear laughed again, and the sound tore through Parker. It boomed overhead. This was him. Maybe not now, but at one point. Parker was Fear once.

Fear replied, “You hate yourself then?”

Parker didn’t reply. He looked to the side, trying to find a way around him. He looked back at Fear for only a second before he dashed, skirting around Fear and sprinting away. Parker didn’t get very far before Fear grabbed him from behind and yanked him back. He held Parker close, forcing him in place. Before Parker could ask what Fear wanted, the scene around them changed. It was a familiar scene, but not one that Parker ever wanted to see again. He had forced this nightmare onto Thomas, and had nearly forgotten about it, but now it was back with every detail in place.

“No! No, stop!” Parker begged. He couldn’t look away or close his eyes or cover them with his hands. He was immobile and forced to stare. The blood was stained everywhere. It was nothing but red. Thomas, Joan, Talyn, and all of Thomas’s other friends—they all lay lifeless around him. How could he have created something like this? How could he have thought this was okay? He had forced Thomas to see all of this. He had forced all of this on him, when Parker was supposed to be the one to protect him from the things he was afraid of.

“Drink it in. You made Thomas do it,” Fear growled.

Parker sobbed and shook his head. He still couldn’t look away. “Please, stop it. Make it stop!”

“This is just how you hurt him. How do you think you hurt them?”

The bloody scene was gone but in its place, were the Sides. They stood still, like mannequins, staring back at them. Parker hiccupped through his sobs and shook his head. He mumbled and begged, but Fear didn’t move away and continued to keep him in place.

“Logan wronged you?” Fear asked. Parker stared at Logan, who stared back with blank, dead eyes. He was a dead man standing on two feet.

“I…”

“Did he wrong you?” Fear demanded. Parker nodded. “Because he wanted to keep Thomas safe? Have you already forgotten what you put him through? Do I need to show your little nightmare again—”

“No!!” Parker shut his eyes tightly and shook his head.

Fear grinned and laughed into Parker’s ear. “I didn’t think so. You were a danger to Thomas. Logan understood that. He was just trying to protect him.”

“He hurt me…”

“And you deserved it, didn’t you?” Parker didn’t say anything, but Fear continued on. “You forced Logan into something he couldn’t solve. You did it when you were kids, you did it again when you decided to torture him. Logan was doing his best. And you punished him.”

“I—”

Fear had already moved on. “Now what did Roman do? What did he do in all of this? He went along with a plan he thought would be best. And you forced him into more nightmares. He couldn’t save you, so you made him unable to save Virgil, or anyone else. You shoved him between a rock and a hard place because if he couldn’t be a prince to you, then he should feel like nothing more than a failed knight. Isn’t that right?”

“Stop twisting my words around!”

“I’m only saying what you already know. You agree with me. I know you do.” Fear pushed him forward, just a little, but still kept a tight hold on him. “Then there’s Patton.”

“Stop it.”

“He cried and he cried and he cried. Oh, how he hates what he did to you, Parker. How many tears he’s shed. The anguish he’s felt for everything. The things he did to you, and to Virgil. He hates it. He hates himself.”

“Shut up!” Parker hissed. “He doesn’t. He doesn’t deserve to…”

“To what? Feel awful? But didn’t you think that he did? You shoved him into an endless pit and made him hear those things over and over again. You hate him. You despise him.”

Parker began to sob again. He hated this. He wanted Fear to leave him alone. Parker wanted to leave. “I don’t!!”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not! I don’t hate Patton!”

“Then why did you do those terrible things to him? When he only wanted what was best? When he hated what he had to do as well?”

Again, Parker tried to reply, but Fear rambled over whatever words he was going to say.

“And Virgil,” Fear purred. “Little Virgil who never did a thing to you. Virgil only tried to help.”

“I know,” Parker cried.

“Do you? Then I guess you don’t care about what you did to him.”

“Of course I do!”

Fear’s grip on Parker’s arms tightened, long nails digging into his skin through his jacket. “Then why did you hurt him so much?”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“Oh, yes you did. That’s why you did all of that. You hurt the three of them, and you made him rescue them. You made him go through those prisons time and time and _time_ again. You made him relive everything that changed him. He changed. You noticed, didn’t you?”

“Of course I noticed.” Parker trembled and tried to look away, but Fear grabbed his face and forced it forward again.

“Have you apologized? You whine and beg for apologies about what they did to you, but look at what you’ve done to them. To _him_. Have you apologized?”

Parker’s mouth was dry, and he whispered, “Yes.”

“Liar!” The Sides disappeared, and Fear pushed him away. Parker managed to stay standing and he stared at Fear with wide eyes. “You apologized? You think what you’ve done counts as an apology? You cry and you say ‘sorry’ day after day, but what does that change?”

“Nothing,” Parker stammered.

“ _Nothing_ ,” Fear agreed. “It doesn’t change a thing. You hurt them. You’ll do it again, and you can’t change that.”

Parker shook his head rapidly. “I won’t. I’m not going to hurt them again, I swear.”

“You will. You’ll become me.”

“I will never be like you!”

“I’m you!” Fear yelled. He shoved Parker back, and Parker stumbled and fell to the ground. He stared up at Fear, unable to find any words to say or strength to run. “You think that you can never become me again? I’m still here! I’m waiting!”

“You’re wrong,” Parker squeaked. Tears blurred his vision and he blinked them away, only to find Fear drawing closer.

“I’m never wrong. I’m right. You’re impulsive. You’re greedy. You want and you want and you want, and you’ll do whatever you can to get it. You’ll hurt them. You hurt them before, over and over. You’ll do it again.”

Parker shook his head. “I won’t.”

“I’m YOU!” Fear roared, suddenly in Parker’s face. He pinned Parker down, roughly shoving him against the ground. He screamed into Parker’s face, “I’m you! I know you! I know what you’re capable of and what you can do, and _this is what you will become again!_ ”

Fresh tears streamed down Parker’s face and he struggled in Fear’s grip. He yelled back, “I won’t! I won’t ever again! I’m never going to hurt them. Never, ever, _ever!!_ ”

Parker suddenly awoke with a scream on his lips and he only barely managed to contain it. He swallowed down his words and breathed heavily. His hands shook, and he crossed his arms tightly, trying to stop the tremor that ran down his spine. He looked around the room, at how bare it was. The heavy blanket of sadness that hung over his room felt like it held even more weight now. Parker got to his feet and left the room as quickly as he could.

When he got to the commons, Parker paced for a while and took deep breaths as he tried to calm down. The shaking eventually stopped, and when it did, Parker felt absolutely exhausted. But he didn’t want to sleep in his room ever again. He always had terrible dreams when he did. Parker would rather never sleep than risk another dream like that. But Parker could barely move now, so he laid down on the couch and stared at the wall for a few minutes. Eventually his eyes shut, and he drifted to sleep. He didn’t dream.


	6. Chapter 6

Logan looked around the room, wondering what could have possibly happened. He didn't think that Parker was a messy individual, but his room was an absolute mess. There were sheets and other blankets strewn around the room. Pillows—so many pillows. Logan couldn't understand how Parker could sleep with so many. They couldn't even all fit on the bed, as there were several thrown around on the ground. Various papers and what appeared to be some kind of…art supplies? Crayons and pencils and even some paint off to the side. There were paint stains, too, which aggravated Logan. Then of course there was the  _ceiling_.

The ceiling was painted. That was all Logan could really say about it. Random colors here and there. There were also a lot of…pencil markings? Perhaps it was pen. Logan squinted, trying to see, but the lines were too thin for him to really make it out. What was Parker doing? The room was so chaotic. Was this really how Parker operated?

"What are you doing in here?" Parker asked. Logan looked back to see Parker in the doorway. He looked horrified, but Logan just looked back at the rest of the room.

"I was hoping to find you to let you know that Thomas is planning on creating another Sanders Sides video soon, but then I got distracted by all of this." Logan waved vaguely to the room.

Parker brushed past Logan quickly and began picking up some of his stuff. Tossing pillows onto the bed, gathering up blankets and shoving them into a corner. He didn't look at Logan as he said, "I thought you would ask for permission before entering my room."

"And I thought you would keep a cleaner living space."

Parker stiffened and continued cleaning. He let some items disappear from the room by phasing them out of existence, like several pillows that wouldn't fit on his bed, as well as the extra blankets. Logan looked around and pointed to the various art supplies lying around.

"I didn't realize you were creative now."

"I'm not," Parker mumbled. He grabbed some of the papers that had scribbles and other forms of drawing on it, but he quickly crumbled them up into balls and phased them out of the room. "I'm just experimenting. Roman isn't the only one that gets to draw."

"Of course not. That's not what I meant." Logan watched Parker scramble around before he sighed and said, "Parker, if you would only fix these messes before they happened, then you wouldn't be struggling now."

Parker picked up a few scattered crayons. "I know that."

"So why don't you take the initiative?"

"It doesn't matter!" Parker said suddenly as he rose to his feet.

Logan's eyebrows rose in surprise. "I'm only making a suggestion."

"Yeah, and I get it. And it doesn't matter."

"It does matter. This place is a mess."

"But it's my place. It's mine. It shouldn't matter. None of you ever come in here. It's just for me."

Logan sighed and nodded. "Yes, I know, but it reflects you."

Parker stopped and turned to stare at Logan. "What?"

"Your room reflects you as a Side and it's simply a…a mess. It's a complete mess, Parker."

"So I'm a mess."

Logan sighed, exasperated, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Parker."

"No. You're right. I'm such a mess. This room is so completely unorganized and chaotic. How can I live in it? How can anyone live in it?"

"There's no reason to get hysterical."

"I'm not!" Parker said, but his voice was rising. "I'm just being honest, like you are! I make a mess! That's what I do!" Parker walked over to his bed and pulled the pillows and covers off of the mattress, dumping them onto the floor. "I have no sense of order. Everything always gets messed up around me. It's not just one mistake. I just keep making them over and over again."

Logan stepped back and avoided one of the pillows that was tossed in his direction. He couldn't understand why Parker was getting so worked up. His jaw bobbed open and closed as he tried to find the words to say…something. But he couldn't figure out how to appease Parker.

"How are we going to solve this?" Parker asked, turning around. He looked around the room. "Oh. I know. Maybe I should take my big mess and shove it in a closet!" Parker yelled. "Just lock it in there and never look at it again. Leave it in there for twenty years! Maybe we'll all just forget about it!"

"Parker, please," Logan stammered.

"Because the mess will only get better, I'm certain. It won't get worse, locked in there. It won't get moldy or musty. No, it'll get better and better and so when it's finally left out, you'll just be met with fresh laundry! You won't get buried under your own mess. No way! Not at all!"

"You're overreacting to all of this."

Parker scoffed and shook his head. He gestured wildly around the room. "Look at this, Logan! Who could ever bear to let this mess continue? To let it exist? It might be dangerous, to live in something like this. It needs to be taken care of."

Logan clenched a fist and said, "It needs to be cleaned up, but you're making a ridiculous topic into the subject of attack on you."

"I'm just stating the facts! Isn't that what you're doing?"

"Yes! But you're turning this into being something about you! This is about the room!"

"You said that this room reflects me!"

"Why are you being so hostile?" demanded Logan.

"You just stand there and watch," Parker cried. His voice cracked, and he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He blinked rapidly and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve.

Logan hesitated before he said, "What?"

"Look around you." Parker gestured to the new mess he'd created around the room. It looked even worse than before. At least before there was the slightest semblance of organization. Now it was truly chaos. "You didn't stop me. You didn't help me clean up before. You just leave it to me."

"You…You made the mess, Parker."

Parker stared, completely floored. He finally looked away and sniffed. A couple tears fell, and he wiped them away quickly. "You can go, Logan."

"If you want help, I can offer assistance."

"Please leave."

"Parker, I can help."

"Just leave my room," Parker snapped. He escorted Logan to the door, doing all but pushing him out of the room, and finally shut the door behind him. Logan stared back at the door, unsure of what to say, or how to feel. What just happened?

Logan lingered for a few moments before he finally retreated. He returned to his room, to begin other work. Studying words, studying Spanish, investigating new interests for Thomas, preparing for the next video, whatever it may be. But Logan couldn't concentrate on anything. He hopped back and forth from topic to topic, but couldn't bring himself to concentrate on any one of them.

At one point he got up and began to pace. His mind was racing, but Logan wasn't focused on anything. He just felt like he should be doing something. But what? He couldn't focus enough to study or learn, and that was what Logan was made for. His mind kept returning to Parker and his outburst. Logan simply couldn't follow his logic. It was so random, so…emotionally charged. There was practically no rhyme or reason behind it. Parker had simply taken everything as a personal attack. It was just a room, just a messy room. What did Logan do that was so wrong?

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at his door. Surprised, Logan walked to the door and opened it, only to be surprised a second time when he saw Parker standing there. Parker stared at the ground and looked small. He looked like a child prepared for a scolding.

"Parker?" Logan greeted hesitantly.

Parker didn't look up from the ground. He said, "I shouldn't have let myself get upset and angry. You're right. It was stupid. It was just the room. I'm sorry."

Logan swallowed. "Parker…"

"I'm sorry," Parker repeated. His voice trembled a little.

"It's…It's fine, Parker."

"It won't happen again."

Logan blinked a couple of times. "I don't understand where all of this is coming from."

"I just want you to know that I'm going to be good. I know I can overreact but I'm not…I'm not going to hurt Thomas. Or—Or the others. Or you. I'm not…I'm going to be good."

"I know, Parker."

Parker seemed to relax when he said that. He nodded and shuffled in place for a moment. Logan remained silent, waiting for Parker, in case he had anything to say, but Parker eventually just said, "I'm sorry to bother you again. I'll just, um…I'll go."

Logan watched Parker walk away. He couldn't think of anything to say in return. He felt like he was supposed to stop Parker and say something, but he couldn't quite figure out what he was supposed to say or do, so he let Parker go. Logan closed the door, returning to his desk. Perhaps now he could get some work done.

Logan continued to say that to himself until the day had wasted away.


	7. Chapter 7

Parker thought he would be used to the nightmares by now. Most nights consisted of either plain darkness that allowed him some actual rest or, more often, nightmares that took over his dreams and left him with fitful, unsatisfying sleep that only caused him to feel more tired than before. Those have stopped bothering him too badly as well. What was awful was when the nightmares turned into night terrors, and absolutely destroyed any sense of ease he may have once had.

After a particularly horrific nightmare, Parker awoke with the distinct inability to breathe. Well, he could breathe, but every breath came out as a sharp gasp. His heart hammered in his chest, blood rushed to his ears, and everything felt like it was tumbling down on him. He was being crushed beneath heavy rubble. Parker stumbled up to his feet, nearly falling out of bed. He could tell that he was panicking, so he wasn't sure what to do. He paced for a couple minutes, trying to see if that would help, but if anything, his panic only grew. He mulled over his nightmare, and thinking about it only made its effects worse. At one point, Parker couldn't stand it any longer and he left.

He wasn't sure where he was going. He didn't want to bother anyone, but the only solution that came to mind was to talk to Patton. Patton always helped him feel okay, or at least better than he felt before. Patton always tried to do things with Parker too. That meant that he cared about him, right? Maybe, or maybe not, but the thought at least calmed Parker down enough to accept that he could go to Patton for help.

When Parker arrived at Patton's door, Parker hesitated. He pressed his ear against the door and heard loud snoring coming from inside. It seemed that Patton was asleep. The Sides didn't always need sleep, as they could instead participate in creating dreams for Thomas, but certain Sides needed sleep to help regulate their functions. As Patton was the emotional core of Thomas, he needed that constant regulation the most.

Parker swallowed and took a few steps away from the door. He didn't want to bother Patton. Even if his heart was hammering in his chest and it felt like he couldn't breathe, Parker couldn't bring himself to wake Patton when he was getting sleep. Parker knew exactly what it was like to not get enough sleep. He didn't want to take that away from Patton.

He turned and headed back towards his room. There was no need to bother anyone. This was just stupid. His reactions to a dumb nightmare were stupid. It was just a dream. That was nothing to get so upset about. The shakiness in his hands was unnecessary and dumb. His rapid heartbeat was ridiculous. The fear in the back of his mind that he was dying and that he was going to slip into the darkness again was laughable. This was all just so dumb and Parker was making a big deal out of  _nothing_.

"Parker?" Virgil asked as he stepped out of the kitchen. Parker froze and ducked his head down, like that would prevent Virgil from being able to see him. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Parker said quickly. "Sorry. I'm going to bed."

When Parker began to walk again, Virgil stepped into the doorway, blocking his escape. Parker could feel Virgil's stare digging into him, which only made it harder to breathe. Virgil asked, "Why were you coming from Patton's room?"

"No reason."

"Did you do something to him?"

"No!" Parker cried, finally looking up. He immediately looked back down when he caught Virgil's eye. "I-I…I wanted to talk to him but he's asleep, so I left him alone. I'm—I'm just going back to my room."

Virgil still didn't move out of the way. "Your voice is shaking."

"Sorry."

Virgil rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I didn't mean it like it's something you have to apologize for. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Parker, stop lying to me." Virgil's voice was sharp, and Parker's shoulders tensed. "Just be honest for once. Tell me what's wrong."

Parker chewed on his lip and buried his hands in his jacket pockets. He wished he could melt into the floor and disappear. The voice in his head was growing louder, and its uneasy claims of death only made it harder to concentrate. He took a shaky breath and said, "I just had a—a nightmare, so I thought Patton could help me calm—calm down. It's fine. I can deal with it."

"When did you wake up?"

"I don't know. Ten minutes ago?"

Virgil nodded. "And are you still upset? Still panicking?"

Parker swallowed thickly and let out a breath. "Yeah."

Virgil sighed. "Okay. C'mere." He led Parker back to the commons and had him sit down on the couch. Parker looked uncertain about it, but he still did as he was told. Virgil sat across from him. "Close your eyes. And just focus on something. Like…I don't know. The fabric of the couch or something." Parker did just that, closing his eyes and touching the couch with light fingers, feeling the softness of the material. "Now I just want you to focus on breathing, now. Breathe in for five seconds, hold it for seven, and then breathe out for eight. And just keep doing that until you feel calm, okay?"

"I don't know if that will help…"

"It will. Just try it."

Parker still felt uncertain, but he listened. He breathed slowly, counting in his head. He continued feeling the couch, trying to think about that as well. In, hold, out. Couch. In, hold, out. Couch.

After a few rounds, Parker felt better. He felt like he actually had a grasp of the world around him, and it was easier to breathe. He opened his eyes as he let out his last deep breath.

"Better?" Virgil asked. Parker nodded.

"Did I wake you?" Parker asked, glancing at him.

Virgil shook his head. "I've got insomnia real bad. I'm awake basically all the time. Pat's always trying to help me with it, but I don't like worrying him, so I just don't tell him anymore, unless it starts to affect Thomas's sleeping habits."

"Oh. Right." Parker looked back down at his hands.

"Do you, uh…get these nightmares often?" Parker nodded. Virgil chewed on his lip and said, "You should, um…talk to Pat about that."

"I've brought it up a couple times. But I don't like to worry him."

Virgil nodded and said, "Yeah, well…I get that." He took a deep breath and got to his feet. "I'm going to go…back to my room and whatever."

"Virgil?" Parker said softly. "I…I know you said that you don't want me apologizing anymore for what happened, but—"

"But I still mean it," Virgil cut him off. "You apologized. It's done. So just…be better, okay? That's better than you apologizing over and over again. Do something about it. Don't just keep saying things. Okay?"

Parker swallowed and nodded. "Okay."

Virgil left, going back to his room. Parker remained on the couch for a while longer, his thoughts swimming. He buried his face in his hands and heaved a heavy sigh. How was he supposed to do something about it when he had no idea how he could possibly make it up to him? To any of them?


	8. Chapter 8

 

"Virgil, have you seen Parker anywhere?" Patton asked as he pranced into the room. He had on his baking apron that read 'My Cookies are Purrrrfect' and had on his oven mitts that looked like cat paws.

Virgil looked up from his place half-sprawled onto the commons' couch. "No," he said. "Are you baking today?"

Patton nodded. "I wanted to ask if Parker wanted to help. He seems to like our baking sessions and it's always more fun to talk to someone while I make them than being alone."

"You could always ask Roman."

Patton's eyes lit up. "That's right! Roman and Parker are always having movie nights. He surely must know where he is!"

"No, I meant you could ask Roman to bake with—oh never mind." Virgil sighed and let Patton go as he ran out of the commons and towards Roman's room.

When Patton arrived, he knocked and let himself in. "Roman! Do you have…" Patton frowned when he found Roman on the bed, jumping between his phone and the computer and a notebook, scribbling things down. "Roman?"

The prince glanced up and quickly sat up when he saw who had entered. "Ah, Patton! Many apologies. I'm preparing for our next Sanders Sides video. Thomas has been  _insistent_  that we finally introduce Parker to the fans and I couldn't agree more."

Patton nodded eagerly. "I think that's a great idea! Speaking of Parker, have you seen that little scamp anywhere? He isn't in his room, but he like never leaves that place! I don't know where else he could be."

"Hmm…" Roman hopped to his feet and paced a bit, thinking. Patton gladly took his seat, patting his mitted hands together. "The best I can think of is maybe he's out in the imagination. He's trying to figure out what all he can do that's unique to his role as Sadness. Perhaps he's out there. Or if not, maybe Logan has seen him. I think Logan was reorganizing the short and long-term memories, last I saw."

Patton nodded again and got back to his feet. "Thanks, kiddo! Don't work too hard today, alright?" He hurried out of Roman's room and towards the imagination. However, it didn't take long to realize that Parker wasn't there, as the imagination was blank and not in use. He hummed and frowned before he arrived at the memories instead. As Roman had said, Logan was there, doing some organizing. Small orbs of memories passed from his hands to the air, shuffling them into the short or long-term categories or phasing the useless information out altogether.

"Lo?" Patton called as he approached. Logan looked over his shoulder and hummed in greeting. "Have you seen Parker anywhere?"

"Can't say I have. Why are you still wearing that?"

Patton looked down at his apron and rubbed his paw mitts together. "I was going to do some baking, but I wanted to ask Parker to join."

"You're certainly going through a lot of trouble just for baking."

"I want him to feel included." Patton sighed. "I can't find him anywhere and that's what's worrying me! He's not in his room, no one has seen him all day, he's not in the commons or the imagination or the memories…" Patton squirmed. "I'm worried, Lo."

Logan sighed and paused in his work to turn to face him fully. "If I assist you in locating him, would that ease your worries?" Patton nodded. "Alright. Let's go."

They returned to the commons. Virgil still had not moved from the couch, but now Roman joined him, going over ideas for the video, to which Virgil continuously shot down every idea Roman brought up.

"Good, everyone's here," Logan said. "We have a problem."

"Is this still about Parker?" Virgil asked, looking at them and ignoring the notecards Roman kept trying to push into his face.

"I've looked  _everywhere!_ " Patton insisted. "He's nowhere in the mindscape. Our rooms, his room, here, the imagination…"

Virgil raised an eyebrow. "Have you checked the back of the mind?"

Patton frowned and crossed his arms. "That's not funny, kiddo."

"I'm not trying to be funny. I mean it. Have you checked there?"

"No. Parker wouldn't be there."

Virgil shrugged. "But where else can he be?"

Logan considered that and looked back at Patton. "He has a point. Unless you truly have looked everywhere, we cannot rule out those areas as possibilities."

"I…I guess." Patton sighed and took off his kitchen mitts. "I'll go check."

"We can all go with you," Roman promised. "I think we're all concerned about Parker at this point."

Virgil and Logan didn't say anything, but they didn't argue either. The four of them took a trip to the back of the mind, to the edge of the subconscious. Patton hoped the whole way there that Parker wouldn't be there but…he was. Parker sat on the ground, facing towards the subconscious, darkness shrouding over him. Broken pieces of their walls laid scattered on the ground, remnants of their past mistake. Parker didn't even seem to notice their approach, as his gaze was trained on the looming dark clouds of the subconscious.

"Parker?" Patton said gently. Parker stiffened and turned around. He looked at the four of them and looked as though he grew even more panicked.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, before any of them could say anything else. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

Patton shook his head. "Parker, you're not in trouble." Parker still didn't look quite convinced as he rose to his feet. "We were worried about you. You've been gone all day…Why are you here?"

Parker glanced back at the subconscious and then down at his feet. "Um. No reason."

"What have I told you about lying?" Virgil called.

Parker shut his eyes. "I come here to calm down."

"Here?" Roman repeated. "Why would this place calm you down?"

"It reminds me not to get so upset at stupid things."

The Sides exchanged confused glances. Patton moved towards Parker and said, "You don't get upset at stupid things."

"Yes, I do," Parker argued. "I get angry about little things and I blow up at you and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a bother again. I don't…" Parker took a deep breath. "This reminds me what happens when I get too upset."

The Sides' eyes widened. Roman said, "Are you afraid that we're going to…to put you back here again, if you get upset?"

Parker didn't reply and just shuffled on his feet, but that was enough of an answer in and of itself. Patton moved a bit closer and put a gentle hand on Parker's shoulder. Patton said, "We're never going to do that again, Parker. That was a big mistake we made. We're not going to make it again." Parker only nodded again and shifted away, slightly out of Patton's grip.

"You said you use this to calm yourself down, correct?" Logan asked. Parker nodded. "Then perhaps it would be good to try and find you a different way of coping."

"Good idea!" Patton cried, perking up. "Wouldn't that be good, Parker? You can have something else to do. Something nice than…this."

Parker shrugged and kept his gaze trained on the ground. Whatever they wanted to do, he wouldn't stop them; but wouldn't it just be easier if he kept coming here?

"So, kiddo," Patton said, "did you want to…talk about this?"

Parker shifted uneasily on the couch. The other Sides had gone their own separate ways, so it was just him and Patton, but that didn't make the situation any less…uncomfortable. He told Patton that he didn't need any other ways of calming down or coping. He was fine. But Patton was so insistent. Parker didn't have the heart to reject him. But now, he really wished he could.

"I don't know," Parker finally said.

"Well…we can talk about anything. How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

Patton nodded. "What has been making you upset?"

"Nothing."

"Kiddo. We have to talk about this."

Parker messed with the hem of his jacket. "We don't have to."

"Well…" Patton sighed and scratched his head. "No, I guess we don't  _have_  to…" He looked at Parker for a long moment and Parker shrunk under his gaze. "You really don't want to do this, do you?"

"Not…really." Parker crossed his arms tightly. "I don't know. It's just…dumb to talk about this with other people. I don't want to…to bother you."

"You're not bothering me."

Parker sighed. "I  _feel_  like I am." He crossed his arms tightly. "I don't know, Patton. I don't need anything new, I promise. I was getting along just fine before."

But Patton doesn't believe that. There's no way he could believe it, not when he could almost feel the ache in Parker's heart, radiating from him. But Patton backed off, knowing that pushing would only upset Parker and that would be even worse.

Logan tried next, and arguably made it all worse.

"Patton told me that you are uncomfortable discussing the way you feel with others," Logan said. He held out a notebook and pen, which Parker took uneasily. "Therefore, I would like to suggest you attempt journaling."

"Journaling," Parker repeated.

Logan nodded. "You can write down your feelings and thoughts in a private notebook that no one has to look at. It's only for you, to sort out whatever is going on in your mind. If you get it out on paper, you're certain to feel better."

"Do you journal?"

"Every day. It helps me sort out the important events of each day and keep myself on task. But you can also discuss how you…feel, and such. Whatever is upsetting you or whatever else."

Parker tried his hardest. Journaling seemed so straightforward. Just write down how he felt or thought or anything, really, but Parker couldn't find the right words. Every time he would write down a sentence, he would cross it out before he could finish. He couldn't put everything into words. He didn't know where to start, to sort everything out. It just all left him feeling lost and frustrated and when he had filled up the second page with nothing but crossed out words and phrases, Parker just returned the journal to Logan. This was all stupid, anyway. They didn't have to help him. He was just giving them another problem to deal with. Couldn't they just leave him alone?

Roman certainly couldn't. When Logan reported that his journaling technique also failed, Roman approached Parker.

"Roman," Parker began, "I don't need—"

"When I feel as though I can't defeat my feelings," Roman announced, "then I just create something I  _can_  defeat!"

Parker stared blankly for a moment before he asked, "What do you mean?"

"Being unable to fix something always leaves me upset. It makes me feel like I can't do anything right, or accomplish anything. So I create something that I know I can do—such as slay a dragon-witch!"

"We…We've tried that before, Roman."

Roman shook his head. "No no no! That was a foolish attempt on my part before. I wasn't viewing you as you are, and that was wrong of me. Plus, I attempted to take all the glory. I didn't even ask you if you wanted to try to slay it!" Roman smiled wide. "You can do this, Parker. Just slay a dragon-witch, and you'll feel  _powerful!_  And we'll all be there to watch your fantastic feat!"

That made Parker's heart beat faster. "I don't need that, Roman."

"How will you know if you don't try? I'm only trying to help, Parker."

That made Parker feel  _worse_. He knew that the others were trying. And he just kept denying their help. That was selfish of him. He was just…ruining things, all over again. He should at least try to do what Roman suggested. He only wanted Parker to feel better.

However, the moment Parker held Roman's sword out in the imagination, with all of the other Sides watching, he knew he made a mistake. His hands trembled. He was going to fail and make a fool of himself. He wasn't a fighter. He was no knight, like Roman. He was still terrified to use his powers from when he'd upset Virgil, so he didn't entirely know what his powers  _were_. He felt alone out here, but the eyes of the other Sides were strong as they stared at him.

"Ready!" Roman called. "Set!" The dragon-witch appeared, roaring down at him. "Go!"

The dragon didn't move, allowing Parker to take the first move. Parker trembled and stared up at the dragon-witch. He finally took a step forward and swung the sword. It hit harmlessly off of the dragon's scales, and she retaliated by swinging a clawed hand. Parker flinched and threw up the sword, which blocked the attack and sent him stumbling back a bit.

"You're doing great Parker!" Patton shouted. Virgil just rolled his eyes.

Parker gulped and stared at the beast. She waited her turn, just like a turn-based video game. Parker moved, tried to stab this time. He made contact and the dragon roared. She swung her claw again and this time Parker was too slow, so she hit him and he tumbled back a couple feet.

Roman yelled, "Just shake it off, Parker! You've got this! You have control over the situation!"

Parker trembled as he got back to his feet. He  _didn't_  have control. Parker didn't know what he could do. He didn't want to fight. Fighting was what got him in trouble in the first place. Using weapons and his powers—that's what hurt the other Sides. They had all seemed like terrible foes, like this dragon-witch, at the time, but they weren't.

The dragon-witch moved closer, but didn't attack, probably just to give Parker another chance to hit her. Parker couldn't understand why the Sides were so insistent on helping him like this. He hurt them so terribly. Why shouldn't they hurt him back?

He jabbed his sword uselessly at the dragon, and she roared, spewing fire over him. The fire didn't even burn. Even now, Roman was protecting him from any harm. But why?  _Why?_

Parker was crying as the fire dissipated. The dragon-witch disappeared in an instant and Patton and Roman were by his side a moment later.

"Parker? Are you okay?" Patton asked frantically.

"I didn't think I gave the fire the power to harm," Roman said. "I'm so sorry, Parker. I just wanted you to feel like you could overcome—"

"Aren't you ever going to punish me?" Parker cried.

Patton stumbled over his words and then was at a loss of what to say. He looked back at the others for help, but they couldn't find anything to say either. Patton turned back and finally said, "Why would we do that?"

"Why  _wouldn't_  you do that?" Parker asked. "After everything I did…I did terrible things to all of you. But I still get to…to live here. To exist like I'm actually one of Thomas's Sides—"

Patton frowned. "You  _are_  one of his Sides!"

"I don't look like him," Parker whispered. He looked down at his appearance. "I don't…act like him. I don't…feel like him. I haven't felt like I was a part of Thomas in  _years_  and that made me so…so angry and upset. And I blamed all of you and I did such terrible things and you're somehow able to just let that all go, and I don't understand! You keep helping me and helping me…" Tears filled Parker's eyes and he rubbed at them, trying to make them go away. "I never even received consequences for what I did. Virgil was right. It's not fair. He didn't do anything, and yet he still had to pay for everything I did, while I got off scot-free."

Everyone was awkwardly silent at that. Patton bit his lip and looked back at the others. Virgil was stiffly silent until he stood and left. Parker watched him go and then looked down at the floor, feeling even worse for bringing this up at all. He should have just kept his mouth shut and just pretended like one of the first things helped him, so the Sides wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

But Virgil came back, which was a surprise on its own, until he held out a small mp3 player with headphones plugged in. Parker stared at the mp3 player and then look back at Virgil.

"Are you going to take it?" Virgil mumbled.

Parker continued to stare. "It's for me?"

"Duh. That's why I'm giving it to you. Do you want it or not?" Parker silently took it from Virgil. He pressed the middle button and found a variety of songs already imported on them. "It's one of Thomas's old things. I stole it from Patton's room."

"Kiddo!" Patton cried.

Virgil ignored it. "I have my own thing that I listen to music on. It helps me when I get overwhelmed or upset. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to talk or think or whatever. You just listen and let your mind do the rest."

Parker looked back down at the electronic. "And…you're just giving it to me?"

"Well, yeah. This whole thing is dumb. Even if this doesn't help, you shouldn't force yourself to do something that isn't helping you. If this doesn't work, then find something else. But do something that makes you happy."

Parker nodded and scrolled through the list of music. Soon he was back in his room, alone again, and he put on one of the songs. Parker curled up on his bed and closed his eyes. Soon, he got lost in the music, and he forgot about his bad feelings for a little while.

Later, Parker wrote a thank you note for Virgil and slipped it under his door.


	9. Chapter 9

"I promise, this is going to be a great idea," Thomas said. The cameras were all set up and ready to go. "Everyone is going to love you."

Parker really wasn't sure about that. In fact, he was sure of the exact opposite. Parker had watched over the Sanders Sides videos after Roman announced that they would be creating another video to introduce Parker. He was going to offset their entire dynamic. Virgil joined the group and was introduced after just a couple of episodes. Now Parker was supposed to come in? There was no way this was going to work out…

"Maybe it'd be easier if we just left it alone," Parker mumbled. "We have to readjust where everyone stands anyway…"

"Nonsense!" Roman called. "It's so simple, Parker. Virgil is at the stairs, Logan in the hallway, Thomas in front of the couch, you're in the corner, Patton is shifted slightly to the right of the window and I'm in front of the television instead of offset by it! It was a simple fix and nothing more."

Parker just kind of shrugged. Everyone was ready for the video. It was never entirely scripted. There was usually some sort of idea that Thomas ran with and the others reacted to it—he always wanted them to have their own take on things. Scripts made everything feel too constrained. But that just made Parker nervous. He couldn't imagine what he would have to say that would be of any benefit to the video.

Patton clapped excitedly as he shuffled in front of the window. "This is going to be so fun! Everyone can finally know about you, Parker! Your introduction is going to be so great!"

"I don't know," Parker said again, quieter this time.

"Alright everyone. Places!" Roman called. "Be ready to sink into the video when Thomas calls. You ready, Thomas?"

"As ever, Roman," Thomas replied with a grin.

The Sides all sank out and took refuge in the imagination, the mind's eye into the creative. Patton and Roman both still looked abuzz with excitement. Virgil and Logan looked less enthused, but they were at least used to these videos by now. Parker had no idea what to expect.

As Thomas began the video, his voice echoing above them like a loudspeaker, Parker glanced at the others. Patton was the first to leave and join the video, and they could hear their excited banter above.

"This is going to give me a headache," Virgil groaned.

"Please, Virgil, you'll enjoy it," Roman replied. "Give it time. And your all. And—"

Virgil rolled his eyes and cut him off. "I  _do_  give it my all, Roman. I'm not going to mess this up."

"I would hope not. I just wish you would act like it once in a while." Roman crossed his arms before sinking into the video himself.

Parker chewed on the inside of his cheek. This was a bad idea. He was going to ruin everything. He hurt them before and now he was going to ruin this nice series they've built up with Thomas. That was hardly fair. In fact, that wasn't fair at all.

"There's my cue," said Logan before he sunk in.

Virgil and Parker stared at each other, silent while the voice played overhead.

"So," Virgil mumbled. "Has the music helped at all?"

Parker nodded. "Yeah. I listen to it a lot. I think I've listened through all the music at least once. I like those less popular bands?"

"Indie bands."

"Yeah, those ones. Like Lund or Hotel Books or…those ones."

Virgil nodded. "I like the mainstream ones."

"There's a lot of My Chemical Romance."

"Yeah. They're a classic."

Parker and Virgil fell silent again until it was finally Virgil's turn to enter the video. Then Parker was alone. He closed his eyes and tried not to let his thoughts linger on negativity. Whether or not this would end up being a mistake, they were already too deep into it. If Parker tried to back out now, he would only ruin it for everyone else.

"Now there's someone very important I want to introduce," Parker heard Thomas's voice announce. That was his cue. Parker took a deep breath. This would be fine. It would work out fine. It would be…fine. "Everyone please welcome…my Sadness!"

Parker sunk into the video and blinked rapidly at the bright light. He waved a little, attempting to be friendly, but dropped it pretty quickly. The camera was on him and that realization was suddenly suffocating and scary.

"It's about time everyone gets to meet you, kiddo," Patton gushed. Parker only looked around uncertainly. He had no idea how this was going to go.

"Everyone," Thomas said as he turned to a camera, "this is my Sadness."

Patton was still abuzz. "Introduce yourself, kiddo!"

Parker swallowed uneasily. "Uh. Yeah. Right. I'm Parker—"

"Well there goes the dramatics and mystery in your name," Roman sighed. "We could have drawn that out for a couple episodes."

"Oh. Sorry."

Roman waved his hand. "I am only teasing, Parker! I am certain that the fans will be glad to know precisely what your role and name is immediately instead of having to wait like we all did for Virgil's name."

Parker glanced at Virgil, who just seemed annoyed by all of this. Thomas cleared his throat, bringing the attention back to him temporarily as he said, "Parker is a new Side that has come to join all of us in our fun!"

"Well he's not exactly new," Logan pointed out. "He's always been here. You can't just conjure up new aspects of your personality, Thomas."

"Well, yes, of course," Thomas said. "I simply meant that he's new to being a part of the Sanders Sides! But we're all very happy to have him here." Thomas clapped his hands together and let out a deep breath. "So, now that everyone's here…I have a problem. And I thought there would be no better way to solve it than to ask the opinions of the facets of my personality."

Patton nodded eagerly. "What's your problem, kiddo?"

"I just feel…" Thomas sighed. "Sad, a lot."

All eyes were on Parker and once, and he stiffened and looked down. "I don't…I'm not trying to do anything, Thomas, I'm sorry—"

"No no!" Thomas cried. "This isn't your fault, Parker. At least, I don't think so. I've had this feeling even before…you know. It comes and goes, and I never quite know what to do with myself when it happens."

There was a bit of silence as the Sides considered this. Patton was the first to speak up, by saying, "Well those feelings are still important, kiddo. Even if they're not the most positive they're still feelings that you should look after."

"Patton is right," Logan agreed. "And the sooner you look after and work through these feelings, the sooner they will go away, and you can continue with your life as you normally look after it."

"No."

All eyes were back on Parker as he spoke out of turn and he looked down.

"No, go on, Parker," Thomas said, trying to be encouraging. "What were you going to say?"

Parker shifted on his feet and played with the cuff of his jacket. "Just…These aren't feelings that you should necessarily write off and have a goal in mind to push them away. It's okay to focus on them."

"That's dangerous," Logan said. "Focusing too often on the negatives can lead to a bad outlook on life and can hinder progress and focus on the future. Goodness knows we've had enough problems of that sort with the anxiety that Virgil has created in the past."

"And still create," Virgil said with a shrug.

Parker shook his head. "That's not what I mean! You can't just push these feelings away. That's probably what Thomas has already been doing, and he said that they come and go. It's nice to have the good feelings, but if you just keep ignoring the bad ones, then  _that's_  what becomes dangerous."

"Focusing on them entirely is a bad idea as well," Logan said firmly.

"I'm not saying that he has to focus on them all the time and make his whole life about them! That's  _my_  job." Parker finally lifted his gaze to meet Logan's. "If he addresses the feelings then it'll make things easier for him."

Logan frowned. "I don't want to risk the danger that may come out of such a proposal. I simply think that it would be beneficial to all parties to try and work through the feelings and move past as quickly as—"

"You don't always know what's right, Logan!" Parker shouted. That halted any further comment from Logan as he and the others gaped at Parker. Parker's cheeks flushed at the attention and he looked down at his shoes. He played with his cuffs some more.

Roman cleared his throat and said, "How about a compromise? Thomas, it's good to listen to your feelings and think through them, give them the proper time they need—but don't let them consume you. Take breaks, do happier things. Try to find the cause of your occasional sadness and find solutions to it. Don't dwell in the sadness, but…don't ignore it, either."

Thomas had to draw his attention away from Logan and Parker. "Uh…yeah. Yeah, that's a good point, Roman. I think…I think that's a good call."

Parker remained quiet. He didn't say anything for the rest of the video, and at the first opportunity to sink out, Parker was the first one to leave.

"Lo?" Patton said when the Sides were all back in the mindscape, post-filming. "Are you alright?"

"Fine," Logan replied as they headed back towards their rooms. Parker's door was already closed.

Patton frowned. "Are you sure…? You and Parker got pretty heated."

"He was the one who raised his voice and grew 'heated'. I was calm. I was fine. I  _am_  fine." Logan looked at Patton pointedly. "If you should be checking on anyone, it's him."

"I will. I was just…worried."

Logan shook his head. "You have nothing to worry about. Now, if you will excuse me." Logan shut the door to his room. Patton was left in the hallway, staring at the door, until he finally turned and headed towards Parker's room.

The mindscape was quiet that evening.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not posting this yesterday! It completely slipped my mind. But here's the next chapter :)

Parker stood precariously on his bed, his head craned back so far and for so long that it was starting to ache. But he was in a good position and he didn't want to move. He had a great view of the ceiling, and if he stood this way, he could see what he was doing and hold the paint brush without getting any paint onto himself.

After spending so much time studying the ceiling, Parker had come to memorize the shapes and eventually figure out what they remind him of. It was one particularly frustrating day that he decided to finally just try and draw on the ceiling. And it felt…nice. Soon he had filled the entire ceiling with pencil marks and he figured there would be no better use for it than to create a mural.

Parker wasn't the most artistically talented. That, of course, lay with Roman, the literal side of creativity, but Parker still enjoyed the activity. It gave him something to do—on days he could muster up the energy, anyway. Other days when he just wanted to lie in bed, he stared at the ceiling and tried to come up with more ideas, tracing the shapes and the marks and bits of paint he got on there already.

"Parker!" Patton called from out in the commons. Parker nearly fell over, startled by Patton's voice, but he righted himself and got off of his bed. He set the painting supplies down and dissipated them into nothing before he headed out to see what Patton wanted.

Patton's eyes lit up when Parker met with him. He held up a couple DVDs. "Hey kiddo! You wanna watch a movie?"

Parker looked at Patton with surprise. "Didn't we watch one yesterday?"

"Yes, but you can never have too many movies!" Patton laughed.

"And didn't we bake the day before that?" Parker asked carefully.

"Yes. Do you not like baking, kiddo?"

Parker shook his head. "No, it's not that. I guess I just…I don't understand why you keep asking me to do things with you."

Patton deflated a bit. "Do you not want to spend time with me?"

"No! No, that's not it!" Parker said quickly. He really didn't want to mess this up. "I like doing things with you. I just don't understand why you always ask. We didn't even spend this much time together as kids."

Patton shuffled with the DVDs. "Well I guess I just want to make up for lost time."

"Lost time?" Parker watched Patton for a minute, before he realized. "So…Are you doing this because you feel guilty about everything that happened?" Patton looked down and messed with one of his DVDs. He didn't say anything, and that was answer enough for Parker. "Oh."

"Kiddo, I still want to actually spend time with you," Patton said, looking back at him.

"I don't want you being nice to me because you feel obligated to." Parker pulled at the hems of his jacket. "I want you to ask me to spend time with you because you want to, not because you feel guilty."

"But Parker, I do!"

"No, you just want to make it up to me! That's different!" Parker crossed his arms and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Pat. I just…I think I need some time to myself. You know?"

Patton's expression fell as he watched Parker retreat to his room. He put the DVDs down and walked back to the couch. He sat there for a long time before Logan walked out from his room and found him there, looking dejected and upset.

"Patton?" Logan said as he approached. Patton looked up and immediately tried to give him a smile, to which Logan only held up a hand. "No. Stop that. What's wrong?"

Patton couldn't hold his forced smile, so it melted, and he looked down again and played with his cardigan's sleeve. "I upset Parker when I didn't mean to."

Logan nodded, and he took a seat next to Patton. He sat stiffly, as he knew a conversation about something he was less familiar with was looming, but he also understood it was important. Logan cleared his throat and said, "Everything makes Parker upset, Patton. You cannot simply blame yourself."

"It's different." Patton frowned and took off his glasses, opting to mess with those instead. "I feel guilty, Lo."

"For what?" Logan mirrored Patton's frown.

"For…everything. I've felt so guilty about what we did to Parker. I keep trying to make it up to him, and he realized, and I realized…Logan, I don't want to spend time with Parker just because I feel guilty. That's so selfish! I do enjoy spending time with him, but it doesn't always occur to me to just ask him to do things like it does when I ask you or Roman. I only think about doing things with Parker when I start thinking too much and then…" Patton took a deep breath, realizing he was rambling. "I just regret what happened and I wish I could change it."

Logan was quiet for a long moment, just letting Patton's words sit and stew between them. Patton began wondering if he should have assured Logan that it wasn't something he had to concern himself with when Logan said, "I do too."

Patton looked up at Logan. He slipped his glasses back on, as though what he heard Logan say was somehow a result of bad eyesight. Logan refused to look at him, but Patton could tell by his tight expression that he hadn't somehow misheard.

"You regret it too?" Patton clarified.

"Yes," replied Logan. "And." He sighed. "And I feel guilty."

"You do?" Patton looked at Logan with surprise. Of course, Logan was not emotionless, but he so rarely showed regret for his actions. It was hard to imagine someone who meticulously weighed out every option would feel guilty about something he did.

Logan let out a slow breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose, under his glasses. "Yes. I know that what I did was a big mistake. I know that, of course. And Parker won't let me forget it." He dropped his hands.

Patton shifted and put a comforting hand on Logan's knee. "Well," he said carefully, "he can't forget it either. I think that's the point. This is on Parker's mind just as much as it's on our minds." He looked at Logan. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What is there really to talk about?" Logan asked. "I made a heinous mistake, one that has been acknowledged by everyone. But I am unable to correct it. And because I cannot correct or change what I did, I am left feeling guilty." He sighed again. "And it is tiring."

Patton nodded and squeezed Logan's knee. "I know. Feelings like that can be really exhausting. But even if you just acknowledge them, Logan, then maybe things can start to be better. Just a little?"

Logan looked at Patton, finally, and he said, "Have you acknowledged your feelings?"

He looked uncomfortable at that for a moment and looked down. "Ah…Yes? A little bit." Patton sighed. "Parker asked me if I was doing this because I felt guilty. And it's not just because of that! I really do care for him and I want him to be happy. But…I would be lying if I said that guilt wasn't another factor in that decision. And you know how I feel about lying!" Patton sighs and leans on Logan a bit. "I just don't know how to make it up to him."

"Nor do I," Logan admitted after a moment of silence.

"But you're Logic, Logan. Your whole deal is finding solutions."

"And that's what's most frustrating. This whole situation—it's so emotionally charged. Of course, I can understand the situation. I know what I did was wrong. But I can't follow Parker's line of logic, when it's so emotional. I can't understand what I am supposed to do to make it better!"

Patton hummed, thinking. "Well. That's the thing about emotions. They're not always logical. And there's not always a clear answer to help someone feel better. But that's something to keep in mind—you can't  _make_  something better. You can't  _make_  Parker or the situation better. You can only  _help_  to improve it. It's a much slower process, but it's a lot more honest." Patton smiled a little. "And you know how I feel about honesty."

Logan gave a sound of frustration and he pinched his nose under his glasses. "We normally solve issues in twenty to thirty minutes when we make one of Thomas's videos."

"Well this isn't about Thomas," Patton pointed out. "This is about us, and Parker. We're a part of Thomas, but we're still…us. And it's a lot harder solving something for yourself than for others."

Logan nodded and sighed again. He let his hand drop to the couch. "Thank you, Patton. You've given me a lot to think about. I'll try to find a way to…help Parker."

Patton smiled, and he nodded. "So will I. And just so you know…Talking is the simplest way to help."

"Conversation can be quite frustrating with him." Logan suppressed a sigh, as he felt he had done it too many times. "But. I will try. Thank you, Patton."

"Any time, Lo."


	11. Chapter 11

Parker walked through the mindscape in a daze. He felt like he wasn’t real. He felt like he was floating and falling and nowhere all at once. He was disappearing, toppling over some edge even as he walked into the commons.

Parker hadn’t gotten a restful night of sleep in a week. It was taking a toll on him.

Patton looked up from where he sat reading on the couch and he smiled brightly. “Hey there kiddo! What’s going on?” With a shrug, Parker curled up onto the couch and nestled up against Patton. Patton’s eyes widened in surprise and he laughed. He ruffled his hair and asked, “Why all the affection, kiddo?” There was a certain edge to his voice. He thought Parker was upset with him. This was a rapid change.

“Tired,” Parker mumbled as he clung to Patton’s shirt and played with the end of Patton’s cardigan.”

“You should go and get some sleep.”

Parker shook his head and pressed his face into Patton’s shoulder instead. “Bad dreams. Rather stay awake.”

“That’s not safe,” Patton pointed out as he tentatively stroked Parker’s hair. Parker relaxed further and curled up against Patton, almost completely in his lap. Parker didn’t reply. They remained like that for a while, just holding one another, enjoying their presence. Patton said nothing and neither did Parker and it was…nice. Quiet.

Roman walked in and he looked at Patton and Parker with a frown and confused, cocked eyebrow. He looked at Patton, who just kind of shrugged, and then approached.

“Hello there, Parker,” Roman greeted.

Parker lifted his head and smiled at him. “Hi,” he replied, and he held out a hand. Roman looked confused before he took the hand and Parker pulled Roman down.

Roman awkwardly bent forward. “Ah…Parker, this is a bit uncomfortable.”

“I think he wants you to sit down,” Patton said with a laugh. Parker nodded.

“Ah, yes, of course.” Roman moved to sit, and then Parker shifted to lean against him instead. “Parker…are you feeling alright?”

“Just tired,” Parker yawned. He clung to Roman’s arm. “Can we watch a movie again?”

Roman blinked. “Ah, a Disney movie? Well I don’t see why not.”

“Movie night?” Patton said, grinning with excitement. “I think that’s a wonderful idea! I’ll go get it. And Lo and Virge, too!”

“Patton, I don’t think that’s the—” Roman sighed, as Patton was already gone before he could finish speaking. It didn’t take long for Logan to appear in the commons and he, too, gave Parker and Roman a questioning look. Roman said, “He’s tired.”

Logan nodded. “Ah. I suppose that would explain why he seems so…affectionate. You know how Thomas can get when he’s tired, or deprived time with his friends. It’s no wonder that it would reflect in ourselves, as we are still facets of our personality.” He looked at Parker, who watched him with half-closed, tired eyes. “Of course, that does not mean it is still strange to see.”

Virgil walked in, flanked by Patton who held a few DVDs to his chest. He looked at the others and then sighed. “Movie night?”

“Night? It’s not even sunset,” said Logan with a frown.

“It will be night after we watch these movies,” Patton sang as he held up some of the DVDs.

Virgil lingered as Patton set up the movies in the DVD player. He glanced at Parker and caught him staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing,” Parker said. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

Parker nodded. “That’s good, I guess.” He rests his head against Roman’s shoulder. “You don’t have to watch the movie.”

Virgil glanced away. “Patton asked me to. I can’t say no.”

“You don’t have to do something you don’t want to,” Parker says. “I want you to be comfortable.”

Virgil’s expression twisted, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but he held his tongue. He sat down at the other end of the couch and Logan sat beside him. Patton finally plopped down in the middle and started the movie. It was Toy Story 2.

“You remember the original, right, kiddo?” Patton asked.

Parker nodded. He shifted and laid down, so his head was in Patton’s lap. He watched the movie as it played, and his hand played absently with Logan’s loose pant leg. Logan kept glancing down at Parker during the movie, but Parker didn’t seem to notice, as his gaze was focused on the movie. Roman and Logan shared some looks, and Virgil kept glancing at the whole group with clear confusion.

Logan cleared his throat during one quiet scene in the movie and he glanced down at Parker once more. He looked like he was beginning to doze off and would snap awake again and try to focus on the movie.

“Parker,” Logan said, “I think it is best that you sleep. This will affect Thomas negatively.”

“I want to finish the movie,” Parker mumbled. He turned his head, to stare up at Logan. Logan shifted and looked away. “Am I making you upset?”

Logan sighed. “No, Parker, no. I simply don’t want you to push yourself. I don’t think any of us do.”

Parker nodded, still not looking away. It’s the longest he’s kept his eyes on Logan—or maybe any of them—before. “I don’t want you to push yourself either.”

“I’m not.”

Parker just stared at Logan, like he was seeing something that Logan could not. He sat up, surprising Patton, who had gotten used to playing with Parker’s hair during the movie.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

Parker rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry for what I did.”

The other Sides glanced at each other. Roman cleared his throat first and said, “We don’t—”

“I know what I did was awful,” Parker continued. He looked at Logan and then at Virgil, surprising him. “I did terrible things and the reason for doing them doesn’t matter. I still did them. And I’m sorry.” Parker’s gaze didn’t waver, and Virgil found that his didn’t either. They looked at each other for a moment. “But I’m going to get better. I’m going to be an useful Side, and not one that just hurts Thomas. Or you.”

Virgil watched Parker for a moment longer. The other Sides struggled to find something to say, but Virgil beat them to it. “I know.”

That visibly surprised all of the other Sides, and Parker just smiled. He looked back at the movie, and by the time it finished and the credits rolled, he was asleep on Patton’s shoulder.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for being so patient with this story. School and general life has made it difficult to write regularly, which is why this story was put on a temporary hiatus. However I don't want to keep putting it off indefinitely without giving you all any updates or explanation. So I am going to start posting again, however, I cannot promise that there will be a consistent update schedule. I'm going to aim for my usual once-a-week posting, but depending on life and how things goes, that may drop to twice a month or (god forbid) once a month. I hope that you will still continue to enjoy this series and like and comment. I appreciate everything that you all say! I read every single comment and though I don't respond to many, every one makes me smile. So thank you for sticking with me through this :)

Virgil paced back and forth in the commons, chewing on his thumb nail as his mind spiraled. Thomas was getting involved in too many things. He was making a new song, and he promised he would go out with friends, but they also needed to write and record the next Sanders Sides video, not to mention that Thomas wanted to do things for himself outside of YouTube. But YouTube was their living and if Thomas didn't get things done and make things on a consistent basis then didn't that mean that the fanbase would begin to hate him? Or forget about him? And then he would get less views on his videos and if that happened then he would make less money from monetization and then he couldn't pay the bills and he'd go hungry and they'd have to shut down YouTube and he'd lose all of his friends and—

"Whoa, kiddo! You need to breathe!"

Virgil stopped dead in his tracks. He stared at Patton with wide eyes, and Patton just smiled back at him.

"What?" Virgil managed to say. He felt breathless and his chest was tight. What was Patton doing here? He should be helping. He should be doing something to help Thomas, like keeping him emotionally stable. Didn't Patton know that things were running out of time? They had to  _work!_

"You look stressed out there, kiddo. Do you want to make some cookies?"

Cookies?  _Cookies?_  "Patton, we have so much to do," Virgil said through gritted teeth. "We don't have time for leisurely baking."

"Of course we do! There's always time for baking!" Patton grinned brightly.

"No there's not!" Virgil snapped. He groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. "No, I'm sorry, I just. Pat, we have things to  _do_."

Patton frowned a little and put a gentle hand on Virgil's shoulder. "Kiddo, you're stressing yourself out. Thomas is on top of things, as are the rest of us. But you have to take a break and not let yourself get too wrapped up in things."

Virgil glared, and he felt his chest hammer with spikes of anxiety as they shot through him. "That's my job! My job is to get wrapped up in things! And what are we supposed to do if things get too lax? What if Thomas keeps pushing off dates again, and videos keep going up late? Did you know it's been  _months_  since he's posted a video on time, when he promises to? He's letting people down!"

"Nobody minds if the video is late." Patton squeezed Virgil's shoulder. "They only want Thomas to take care of himself. And  _I_  want  _you_  to take care of yourself too!"

Virgil groaned and pushed Patton off of him. "Just like! Do something! Make sure he's on top of things! Just!" He groaned again and pulled at his hair. He didn't give Patton any further explanation, as instead he just walked away, grumbling and muttering to himself.

"Kiddo!" Patton cried, hurrying after him. "I'm just trying to help! You're too stressed."

"You're stressing me out!" Virgil snapped, his voice louder than he intended. "You're the one who's putting me so on edge, Pat! It's your fault! So just do something productive and leave me alone!"

"Virgil." Roman stared at the both of them. He approached and frowned. "Why in the world are you yelling at Patton?"

Virgil rolled his eyes. "Yeah and what does it matter to you?"

Roman looked offended. He ignored Virgil for the moment and looked to the other Side. "Patton? Are you alright?"

"Er, yeah, I'm fine, kiddo," Patton said, forcing a smile. It was clear that that was hardly true. "I'm, ah. I'm going to go…be productive."

Roman turned back to Virgil as Patton hurried off. "What is your problem?"

"Shouldn't you be making sure that Thomas gets things done?" Virgil asked through gritted teeth. "You're wasting time. What the hell are you even doing?"

"Trying to find out why you're being so…obstinate!" Roman huffed and crossed his arms. "You upset Patton! Do you not even care?"

"I just want Thomas to get things done! Why does that make me the bad guy? Why does trying to make sure we do what's best always make me the bad guy?" Virgil shouted.

Logan stepped into the commons and watched them with a confused gaze. "Why is there so much shouting?"

Roman huffed and turned away, which only earned an eyeroll from Virgil at how dramatic he was being. "Virgil," said Roman, "is being a brat and causing problems."

"Yeah and what else is new?" Virgil spat.

"Virgil, is something wrong?" Logan asked with a frown as he approached.

"You're the logic guy!" Virgil groaned. "Can't you tell that we're getting behind on schedule? Thomas is going to let people down again and everything is going to fall apart because we apparently can't keep him on top of anything! Ever!"

"That's simply not logical." Logan frowned again. "Missing the deadline for a video, while frustrating, will not result in such detrimental results as you're claiming."

Virgil pulled at his hair. Why couldn't they just  _understand?_  They needed to do this! They were going to get into so much trouble if they didn't. And what if this just continued bad habits? Did they not care that Thomas was horrible at time management? Did they not care that this could result in him being late for "more important" things in his life? As though his livelihood wasn't important!

"Whatever," Virgil muttered, and he left, heading toward his room. He ignored the calls from Roman for him to stay and talk. If they weren't going to listen to him, then why should he listen to them?

Parker was just headed to the commons and he glanced up. "Hi Virgil," he said softly.

"Shut up!" Virgil growled.

Parker drew to a stop and stared. "Are you okay?"

"No, and you're making things worse," Virgil muttered. "Just leave me alone and do whatever you do all day."

"Virgil—"

"Better yet, make Thomas do something! Make him be productive! You were always good at making people do things they didn't want to do."

Virgil left before he could feel bad about what he said, and he retreated in to his room. This was awful. He just wanted Thomas to be productive. Why was that a bad thing? Why did he have to be the bad guy when he was only trying to make sure Thomas was on top of things? He didn't understand why that made him so awful.

He laid there for a few minutes until there was a knock at his door. Virgil groaned. "What?"

"Are you okay?" It was Parker. Virgil buried further under his covers.

"Go away," Virgil said.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Go  _away!_ "

"Please…?"

Virgil groaned again, and he finally got out of bed. He went to the door and opened it. "What?"

Parker stood there, holding out the mp3 player that Virgil had given him not that long ago. "Do you want to listen to music?"

Virgil stared for a moment. "I have my own iPod."

"I know. It's, um." Parker shrugged and looked down. "It's just a gesture."

"Well I don't need it."

Parker nodded. "Um. Virgil? I…I get how you feel. Kinda. I know that you're stressed about the video and everything. Patton told me. But I know how it feels when people won't listen to you and it just feels like they're treating you like the bad guy…you know?" Parker pulled at his jacket's sleeves. "But you're not a bad guy. No one thinks you are."

Virgil didn't say anything. He just watched Parker, arms crossed.

"And, um." Parker cleared his throat and wobbled on his heels. "You don't have to take it. But. I know you said music helped when you're upset. And I do think that while we should help push Thomas to get work done, that doesn't mean we have to stress ourselves too much about it. I don't want you to feel upset or to lash out. Even if it's frustrating."

"Because I just make things worse?"

"No. You know that's not what I mean." Parker sighed. "I think we could all use a moment to relax. Forcing Thomas to work incessantly so he meets the deadline isn't good either, right?"

Virgil glanced down at his feet. "No."

"Then it's also not good to stress yourself out…right?"

"I guess." Virgil sighed. "You sound like Logan, trying to reason me out of it."

Parker nodded. "I don't think I can do his job that well. I just want to make sure you're still taking care of yourself." He holds out the mp3 player a little further.

"Keep it," Virgil said. "I have my own. But." He sighed. "Wanna listen to music with me? Patton always says that I calm down easier when I'm with someone." He glanced back in his room. "We can stay in the commons. I don't need you getting anxious too."

Parker nodded again. Five minutes later, they're back in the commons, sitting on opposite ends of the couch and listening to their music. Virgil told himself that he would apologize to the other Sides later, but for now, he just enjoyed the music and the quiet presence beside him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone’s support despite the hiatus! It really flatters me that people still follow this story so closely :’)

 

Parker went to Roman’s room and he knocked gently. He received a mumble for an answer, so Parker just called, “Roman can I…come in?” There was another mumble and Parker debated for a minute until he decided just to walk in.

Roman’s room was an absolute mess. There were papers strewn about with scribbles for words decorating every page. The room, which normally had a kind of controlled chaos, looked out of place as well. Posters were slanted, and trinkets weren’t carefully lining the shelves and instead were scattered throughout the room as well. Roman sat on his bed, scribbling in a notebook and muttering to himself.

“Roman?” Parker said. He didn’t go far into Roman’s room.

Roman looked up and blinked. “Oh, Parker. Hello. It’s a mess in here, of course, I’m sorry I’ve been working nonstop. I’ve got nothing but ideas for Thomas!” He laughed but there was a tiredness to it. He looked back down at the notebook and continued writing.

Parker shifted on his feet. He should probably go. He was just going to be a bother. Roman had a lot to do. That was obvious, wasn’t it? And Parker was probably just bothering him, even if he just wanted to know if—

“Parker did you need something?” Roman asked without looking up.

“Um. Yeah, I…I, uh…” Parker couldn’t find his words. He didn’t want to stress Roman out more, and Roman seemed plenty stressed as it was. His hand hadn’t stopped writing basically since Parker got into the room. “Um…”

“Parker if you don’t have anything, could you go?” Roman chewed on his lip as he drew out some diagrams and tried to figure out some costumes. “I’m kinda busy.”

Parker swallowed. “Oh, uh. Yeah, of course. I’m sorry.” He retreated out of the room as Roman gave him a hum in acknowledgement. Parker’s stomach churned as he left, heading down the hall. He knew Roman was busy but…but…

“Hey kiddo,” Patton greeted from the kitchen. Parker blinked and looked up. He didn’t even realize that he’d wandered all the way here. “Why the long face? What’s got you down?”

“Um. It’s nothing, Patton. Really.”

“Really?” Patton repeated, raising an eyebrow. He’s in the middle of baking…something. It looks like it’s supposed to be a casserole, but Parker is pretty sure it’s not supposed to be burned to a crisp on top. Patton just sets it aside on the counter and walks over. “C’mon, kiddo. You can talk to me. I wanna know what’s going on, so I can help.”

Parker looked down at his feet and sighed. “It’s dumb, Patton.”

“Feelings are never dumb. Not even the sad ones.”

Parker sighed again. “Roman and I just haven’t had our movie nights in a while, is all.”

Patton looked kind of surprised. “…Oh. That’s all?”

“I told you it was dumb,” Parker said, retreating further into his jacket.

“Nonono I didn’t mean it like that!” Patton sputtered. He put a comforting hand on Parker’s shoulder. “I was just worried that you had gotten into a fight with one of the others is all…This _isn’t_ a fight, right?”

Parker shook his head. “No. I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but maybe Roman is mad at me. I thought he was just busy, but maybe he—”

“Slooow down, sport, put that car in park.” Patton smiled gently. Parker just looked up at him and wiped at his eyes. He always felt like he was on the verge of crying, even if there was no reason to.

“I told you it was nothing. I’m just overthinking,” Parker said.

“Perhaps. But a lot of people do a lot of overthinking. Especially Virgil! That doesn’t mean it’s wrong.” Patton patted his shoulder again. “Have you tried talking to Roman about this?”

Parker tugged at his jacket sleeves. “I…tried. He seemed busy. I didn’t want to bother him. I didn’t want to…upset him. Or distract him. He’s getting a lot of work done.”

“He’s getting a little _too_ much work done, if you ask me. Everyone’s always working so hard around here. Thomas has a strong work ethic, but he tends to be unhealthy when he does it, and that’s probably to do with Roman and Virgil, hmm?”

Parker shrugged a bit and looked at Patton. “It’s dumb, Patton. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so upset.”

“Now what did I just say about no feelings being dumb?” After a moment of pause, Patton asked, “Maybe I could talk to him about it?”

Parker looked a little panicked. “No—No, you don’t have to do that, Patton. I don’t want you to be bothered with that stuff. And I odn’t want Roman to feel like I went to you and purposely avoided him so—”

Patton laughed and squeezed Parker’s shoulders, trying to put him at ease. “It’s _fine_. I’m sure it’ll be just fine, kiddo. Roman won’t be upset. He’s busy but not hostile. Why don’t you just go rest up? Do something fun, something you like. You can listen to music like you and Virge do, right?”

Still, Parker looked uneasy. But he nodded and finally headed back to his room to curl up under the covers and listen to music and maybe forget about all of this.

Patton had a mission, though. So, he dissipated the ruined casserole and replaced it with a perfect premade one to cool in the fridge. With that done, he went to Roman’s room and knocked on his door. “Kiddo,” he sang. “Can I come in?” He received a mumble on the other side and took it as a yes. He walked inside and put his hands on his hips. “Now it is a _mess_ in here.”

“Sorry,” Roman said, not sounding like he was actually sorry at all. He was still completely enraptured in his notebook, writing things out, tearing out pages and writing again. “I’m in the middle of a script, Patton. I’m trying to get it just right. I’ll clean up when I’m done.”

Patton nodded slowly, and he rocked on his feet. “And…what _else_ are you going to do when you’re done?”

Roman spared barely a glance up at Patton. “Um. Things. Things I have to do? I don’t know, Patton, I’m busy.”

“It’s important, Roman.”

“I’m sure it is. But if it was super important I would have remembered, and I can’t think of what else I need to do besides work on this script. I’ll think about it later, alright?” Roman chewed on his pen as he glanced over his notes.

Patton walked over to Roman and sat on the edge of his bed. “Sometimes we can get a bit blinded and forget important things anyway.”

“Whatever it is, Patton, I am certain that I can attend to it after we finish this video.”

“But don’t you think a break is deserved? Maybe a break _watching a movie?_ ”

Roman didn’t seem to understand what Patton is hinting at because he said, “I’m sure I can watch a movie with you later, Patton. Honestly, I’m trying to get this done. Or do you want Virgil sulking around for another two weeks harping about how Thomas will lose his fanbase if he doesn’t make more content immediately?”

Patton sighed. “The movie isn’t for me, kiddo. You watch movies with someone else.”

“What?” Roman finally looked up and stared at Patton. “I don’t follow what you mean.”

“ _Parker_. I’m talking about Parker.”

“Parker? He—” Roman stopped, and it finally seemed to click in his head. “Oh. Oh, we haven’t had our movie night in…But, it’s fine. I’m sure Parker understands that I’m busy.”

“He knows you’re busy,” Patton agreed. “But still. You need to take a break, kiddo. And Parker would love to spend time with you again.”

“But—”

“I can’t let you all work yourselves into the ground. Taking breaks is important for everyone. _Including_ Thomas, or Virgil.” Patton reached out and closed the notebook. “So how about you go to Parker and figure out times when you can take breaks?”

Roman opened his mouth to argue, but then he promptly closed it, knowing Patton wouldn’t let this go. He nodded and got to his feet.

“I’ll clean up around here,” Patton promised. Roman thanked him with a kiss on the cheek and left, heading for Parker’s room. He knocked.

Parker looked surprised and a little spooked when he opened the door to find Roman. “Oh. Um. Hi. I didn’t mean to bother you earlier, I—”

“I’m sorry I forgot about our movie nights,” Roman interrupted. He didn’t want Parker to stumble over his own apologies. “I’ve just been busy, but that shouldn’t have resulted in abandoning our tradition. And I need to take a break from that project, so I don’t drive myself into the ground. So. I want to figure out when we can watch movies again.”

Parker almost couldn’t find his words. “R-Really?” he stammered.

“Yes, really.” Roman smiled. “I’ve been an awful prince, ignoring you and most everyone in the name of creativity. I need to learn to take a break. We all do, for Thomas’s sake. And so…movie? We were up to _A Hundred and One Dalmatians_.”

Parker smiled at the thought. “It was a cute movie,” he admitted. “What’s next?”

“ _The Sword in the Stone!_ ” Roman grinned, already looking excited. “What a classic. Often forgotten, rarely acknowledged, but what better than a movie about young Arthur growing up to be a warrior?” He laughed. “You’ll love it.”

“I’m sure I will,” Parker replied, his heart already warming at the prospect of spending more time with Roman and watching movies again. He’s missed this time. He’s missed feeling normal again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It slipped my mind to post this yesterday! Sorry for the late update :) I had a lot of fun writing this chapter in particular, and I hope you’ll see why~

Logan went through his index cards once more. He could get this right. If he could help Thomas memorize scripts and speeches and performances, then surely, he could memorize a simple apology.

_Parker, I am aware that the way I have been acting has been unfair to you._

Speak the words clearly. Don't mumble, and instead enunciate each syllable. Maintain eye contact to demonstrate sincerity.

_My behavior has been unnecessary, and I want to offer my apologies for my behavior._

Be open. Use the proper body language. Don't cross your arms or turn away, and don't bunch up—that implies you're closed off. You want to be open. Be sincere.

Logan chewed his lip as he flipped through his cards again. He had gone over them for the past couple of hours now. Surely, he was ready. Surely.

Logan took a deep breath and proceeded down the hall of the mindscape to Parker's room. He cleared his throat and mumbled over the words, checking that he, indeed, knew what he was to say. After one more quick scan over his cards, he knocked on the door and waited.

Parker opened the door and looked at him with surprise. He opened his mouth to say something, but Logan was already speaking.

"Parker, I am aware that the way I have been acting has been unfair to you. My behavior has been unnecessary, and I want to offer my apologies for my behavior. I didn't think clearly as to the connotations that my words could have, and I have continued to treat you as though you have not changed. For that, I wish to—"

"Did you rehearse this?" Parker asked, cutting him off.

Logan blinked and was at a loss of words for a moment, having lost his rhythm. He licked his lips and said, "I don't know what that has to do with anything."

"So you did," Parker said.

"Yes, if only to ensure that I would say the correct things."

Parker stared at Logan. Stiff posture, hard eyes, rolling his lip between his teeth. Logan couldn't tell if Parker was incredibly angry or if he was on the verge of tears. Either way, it was unexpected and Logan didn't know what to do. This wasn't how he had rehearsed things going at all. He thought that he would deliver his speech, Parker would forgive him, and they could finally move on from this silly adventure.

"I don't understand why you are becoming worked up," Logan said carefully.

Parker laughed, but the sound was bitter, hollow. "You don't  _know?_  How could you not know?" He crossed his arms tightly. Closed off. "That apology is fake, Logan."

"Pardon?"

"It's  _fake_. You shouldn't have to practice an apology!"

Logan felt anger twitching in his chest. "I was practicing to ensure that I wouldn't say the wrong thing. So that nothing would go wrong and there would be a misunderstanding, like there is now. Many people practice their apologies. Many people feel the need to!"

"I know that!" Parker snapped. He took another deep breath, trying to calm down. He only seemed to shrink in on himself. More closed off. "There's nothing inherently wrong with practicing, I guess. But. Logan, do you actually  _care_  how I feel?"

Logan frowned. "Of course I care."

"No, I mean, do you care beyond the fact that how  _I_  feel is making  _you_  feel guilty?"

Logan had never considered something like that. His open-mouthed expression must have only angered Parker, because Parker continued, "Do you not actually care if I feel better for my sake? Do you only care so maybe I'll stop being upset, I'll stop lashing out, I'll stop  _blaming you_  for what happened? Is that what's got you so concerned? Because I don't…I don't  _blame you_ , Logan! If I blame anyone, it's myself. I'm the one that messed up and I'm the one that hurt all of you! But I do my best to try to not force any of you to forgive me because of how I feel. I know that I hurt all of you and I don't want to push any of you into forgiving me before you're ready. I don't want to push any of you into feeling guilty because I'm upset. Because that's  _not_  your problem! It's mine! It's mine to deal with and trying to force forgiveness out of all of you is selfish!"

Parker breathed heavily and seemed to finally realize that he was shouting. He swallows thickly and rubbed at his eyes which were starting to burn with tears. He mumbled a soft apology, but Logan only stared at him, his own words lost to him.

Logan looked down at the cards he still held in his hands, the cards that he had looked over time and time again, had memorized to the tee. The notes he had about body language, and where to take breaths, and how to sound sincere. He had notes about how to sound sincere. He couldn't be sure that he would sound sincere himself, so he had to write notes about it. Perhaps Parker was right. Perhaps this was all a sham, and that was unfair to Parker. Wasn't Logan's whole speech about how he would cease behavior that belittled Parker and failed to account for his feelings?

"Parker," Logan murmured.

"I'm sorry," Parker sighed. "I shouldn't have yelled. I won't get angry. I'm sorry—"

Logan shook his head. "Parker, no. You are right to be upset. I…I still couldn't understand. And that was a failure on my part. I still couldn't account for your feelings, and the way I went about handling this apology was selfish." He took another breath and looked down at his cards for only a moment before he tore them in two. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting, Parker. This is new to me and I want to be better, too. So please bear with me and I'll put in the effort to be better. To be better than…before."

Parker looked at Logan, tears rimming his eyes. Parker sniffed and nodded. "Thanks Logan," he murmured. "That makes me feel better."

Logan smiled slightly, awkwardly. "I am glad to hear that. I hope that my future actions can only continue to foster those results." He looked down at his shoes, uncertain as to how to bring this conversation to a proper close. "Did you, um. Possibly. Want to…" He thought for a moment. "…make lunch? With me?" He cleared his throat. "Patton is always saying that the best way to foster a healthy friendship is through food. I do not know if I believe him, but I figured I would attempt his theory."

Parker shifted on his feet, thinking, and then he nodded. "Sure. That sounds fun."

"Wonderful." Logan turned, heading towards the kitchen, and Parker followed in step behind him. "There's this wonderful new jelly that Thomas discovered thanks to Talyn and Joan. Perhaps you'll enjoy it too."

Parker nodded. Perhaps he will. And perhaps Patton's theory will be correct.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love seeing people make up theories for how they think the story is going to go, or how it will end. It’s very amusing!

Parker tried his best to concentrate on baking. He focused on kneading the dough. He mixed the bowl and kneaded the dough and set the oven’s temperature and just tried to focus. But try as he might, his mind continued returning back to Patton, who was working on his own tasty treats beside him.

Parker knew that Patton only baked when he was upset, and it was Patton who suggested that they bake. Parker didn’t want to overstep his bounds. He didn’t want to ask Patton if he was okay, or why he was upset and why he was baking. He didn’t want to push Patton and potentially upset him. But Parker also didn’t want to ignore it. What if Patton needed to talk to someone about it, but he was too afraid to ask first? Parker always hated to initiate conversations when he was feeling bad. Patton could be the same way. He didn’t want Patton to suffer just because he can’t talk about it.

Maybe it would be best if he just left it alone. Parker didn’t want to make things uncomfortable for anyone. That was why he had been spending so much time pulling away and trying not to bother anyone. If he kept to himself, then he couldn’t make things worse. He couldn’t get in trouble. He couldn’t be pushed away again.

But then what if Patton really was upset? What if there was something seriously wrong, and Parker was just ignoring it, when Patton wanted to talk? He knew Patton, for as much as he told he others to talk about their feelings and be open, rarely burdened others with how he was feelings. He wasn’t great at hiding it, though. Parker saw every spare glance Patton sent his way, the way he subtly turned away to wipe his eyes on his sleeve, how he’d blow his nose and claim allergies when Parker knew that there were no cats in the mindscape.

Maybe Parker was doing the wrong thing, by saying nothing.

“You doin’ okay, Parker?” Patton asked, patting Parker’s back. Parker jumped a bit and nearly dropped the tray of cookie dough. He slid the pan into the oven and took a slow breath. “Sorry! Didn’t mean to startle you there.”

“You didn’t, I just…” Parker ceased speaking as soon as he began. He swallowed them down and pulled at his sleeves.

Patton continued to hover, looking uneasy. And his uneasiness made Parker uneasy. Parker looked down quickly to quell his own heart. “Um.” Patton chewed his lip. “You’re just…?”

“Worried,” Parker said before he could swallow the word.

“About what?”

Parker shuffled on his feet, focusing harder on his shoes. He felt incredibly warm, like he was the one baking in the oven and not the sheet of cookies. “About…you. You’ve been. You’ve been baking a lot. And I don’t know if that’s just what you usually do, but that’s also not good because you bake when you’re upset so I just…I thought…”

His voice trailed off and when Patton said nothing, Parker risked a glance. His heart leapt into his throat when he saw Patton looking away, tears rimming his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Parker said instantly as he gripped his sleeves. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m really sorry, I didn’t—”

“It’s not you,” Patton said, cutting him off. “It’s not. It’s not your fault.” Patton sniffed and rubbed his eyes under his glasses. “None of it was ever your fault…”

Parker’s mouth bobbed and for a moment he was at a loss of what to say. He didn’t even know what Patton was talking about. “What do you…?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Parker.” Patton still couldn’t meet Parker’s eyes. It was so strange to not see Patton’s bright brown eyes looking directly at him, like always. They were downcast and shadowed with grief and unrest. “That doesn’t make up anything, but I swear I didn’t. And I don’t want to hurt you now. But I know I did, and I should have let you out of there with Virgil. I should have stopped Logan from doing that to either of you. I should have done _something_. I’m Morality! I should have known that what we did was wrong, but I didn’t do anything about it and…”

Parker swallowed. His mouth felt dry, swabbed with cotton. His words were salty and soured his mouth as he struggled to find what to say. Instead, Patton rambled on.

“And I don’t know how to make it up to you either. I know that cookies and casseroles can’t fix anything. And I certainly don’t want you to think that I’m only spending time with you to make things up to you! I also just _like_ spending time with you. But I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’m somehow making you feel worse, that every attempt I make is only going to remind you of the past, and here I am, reminding you all over again anyway. I just don’t—”

“Patton please stop.”

Patton did stop, mid-sentence, and stared with an open mouth at Parker. He closed his mouth and looked down. He tried to subtly wipe his eyes again, but Parker followed the movement easily. Patton finally whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“But I am.”

Parker shook his head and heaved a sigh. “Patton. I’m not upset at you.”

“That’s not exactly why I said that, kiddo. I don’t want to upset you in general.”

“You make me happy.”

That surprised Patton. It _really_ surprised Patton. He didn’t seem to have anything to say and only stared. Parker grew uncomfortable under the gaze and looked back down at his shoes. “I just mean,” said Parker, “that you don’t upset me like you’re afraid you do. I like spending time with you. It makes me feel better. As much time as I spend in my room…it’s nice to get out of it, too.”

More silence and Parker risked another glance. Patton still had tears in his eyes, but he was smiling. That helped Parker relax significantly. Maybe he did a good thing. He made Patton cry, and that’s a bad thing, but he’s smiling now, so…maybe he fixed it? Parker hoped he fixed it.

“I’ve just been so worried that you hate me because of what I did,” Patton whispered.

Parker shook his head. “I’m the one who made the mistake, Patton. I’m the one who hurt you all.”

“You were five.”

“I wasn’t talking about that.”

Patton said nothing to that and only sighed. It took a moment before he found his words again. “Parker. Do you…Would you like to watch some TV while we wait for the cookies to bake?”

Parker relaxed a bit at that. Patton wasn’t just asking him to leave. He still wanted to stay with him, even after all of that. Despite the guilt, the pain that Parker had caused, and everything else. Patton still wanted to be around him. It made Parker want to cry. He only nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

They settled in the commons and Patton flipped through a few memories of The Office episodes. Parker slowly relaxed into the couch and watched the show. He didn’t smile or burst out laughing at jokes like Patton did, but he felt kind of…happy. It was a really nice feeling.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been WAITING to be able to post this chapter so I’m quite excited for you all to read it. So even though it’s short…Enjoy :)

It only took Parker three days to listen to all of the music on the mp3 player. He just listened to it all straight and barely came out of the room, until every song had been listened to. He had favorite songs and he had comfort bands. It seemed like ages ago since Virgil first gave him the little device, and it had quickly become Parker’s most treasured object.

Twenty One Pilots. Hotel Books. Sleeping at Last. Set it Off. Icon for Hire. So many bands that Parker never knew about and had missed out on. Virgil’s favorites didn’t quite resonate with him. My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy or Blink-182…They were okay. Enjoyable, sure, but they didn’t quite resonate with him like some of the more “obscure” bands did. Parker didn’t even know if the bands he liked counted as obscure. There were just less of their songs on the mp3 player than Virgil’s aforementioned favorites. Parker began to crave them more until they were the only songs he listened to, even amidst the hundreds of available tunes loaded on the device.

The more that Parker listened, the more he wondered if he would be able to do that. To make something himself, something that could make others…feel, so much. But not feel in a bad way. Not the way he had created the prisons or horrible, terrible visions for the Sides and Thomas. Nothing like that. But something…nice. Something that people can relate with. Something that people could feel, deep inside of them.

Parker hummed along with one of the songs currently playing. One of the Twenty One Pilot songs. He thought that it was one of the more popular ones. It was one of the few that Virgil had loaded on the device, so Parker had to assume that it was one of the few popular enough that Virgil would have saved it. Parker didn’t mind if it was popular or not, though. When he first heard it, it had stirred such emotion within Parker that he had cried and listened to it on repeat until it didn’t make him sad anymore. Now it just made him happier, in a strange way. There was such comfort behind the lyrics, a kind of softness that Parker could never articulate verbally.

_Somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence…_

Parker nodded his head as the music picked up instead of letting the song fade to silence like the lyrics suggest. He watched the shapes on the ceiling, silently tracing them with his eyes. There were still pencil markings on the ceiling and strokes of paint as well. It was crude, and Parker didn’t know if it was even a good idea. It was probably stupid, try to make sense of the shapes and transform it into…what, a mural? He wasn’t Creativity. How could he make anything of substance?

But somehow, none of that upset Parker. It slid away from him as quickly as he thought about it. The music continued to wash over him, and he nodded along with it. He wanted to make something like this, so badly. He wanted to make something he could appreciate. Something that he wouldn’t feel was somehow inadequate to anything that the other sides could make instead.

As the song faded and continued to the next, he sat up. Soft plucked strings played through his earbuds as the ukulele was strummed. Parker reached for the mp3 player to skip the song, but then he stopped. He continued to listen for a minute longer as the artist strummed and sang with the happy little instrument.

“A ukulele,” Parker mumbled to himself, almost contemplatively. When the song finally drew to a close, he took out his earbuds. He hated the sudden pure silence and he was met without his music, but he tried to concentrate. He closed his eyes and focused on what he wanted—a ukulele. And sure enough, one appeared in his hands.

Parker didn’t know how to play. That was obvious. If Thomas didn’t know, then he couldn’t know it inherently. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t learn. Roman knew Spanish, after all, when no one else did. So, Parker could teach himself how to use this simple four-stringed instrument, right?

He plucked tentatively at each string. The instrument was perfectly in tune, as far as Parker could tell, and after finding some simple online tutorials—the mindscape really had access to anything, didn’t it? Parker was still getting used to the internet—Parker just sat on his bed and practiced a few chords, over and over again.

“G…C…D…” Parker mumbled to himself as he tried to switch as quickly as he could between each chord. His hands were clumsy, and it already hurt his fingertips to press down on the strings, but he kept going anyway. He couldn’t quite get the strumming right either. Parker could only seem to find the things that were wrong with his form, his attempts at playing. It was more than frustrating.

And yet. Somehow, he enjoyed it. It was nice to just…create. It was nice to fill the silence with something other than his words or panicked sobs when he awoke from a nightmare. It was nice to just _be_ for a while. There was no pressure from anyone to be good. There was no reason _to_ play. Parker just wanted to. And that made it far more enjoyable than anything else he did outside his room, where he somehow felt like he had to prove himself to the other Sides. Here, with this tiny ukulele, he could just do his best, and that was enough, no matter what. He could just be.

Soon his fingers ached too much to continue. Parker finally set the ukulele aside and laid down on the bed once again. He slipped the earphones in, but he didn’t play his music. He sat there in silence and for once, the silence wasn’t heavy or deafening or terrifying. It was comfortable, somehow. It was comfortable because he could still hear music playing in his head, his own compositions comforting him and lulling him to sleep like no song on the mp3 player could before.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who has supported this series. It seriously just means a ton to me :)

Parker leaned his head on Roman’s shoulder as they finished up the next Disney movie. The music swelled and as the final scene faded, the credits began to roll. Roman smiled and hummed happily as he stretched out. He didn’t move to turn the movie off and just let the credits and soft music rolled as the two of them lounged together.

“What’d you think of that one?” Roman asked.

“It was okay,” Parker said with a shrug.

Roman scoffed, but it was good-natured. “Alright? It’s one of the classics! _Beauty and the Beast_ was the first animated picture to ever be nominated for an Oscar. It incorporated new technology and beautiful music and a lovely tale of a beast realizing the good nature within himself that he had repressed for so long!”

Parker shifted in his seat. “Belle was kidnapped against her will.”

“Well, maybe at first, but she was able to leave and decided to come back and stay of her own free will!”

“She was locked up in a cell,” Parker mumbled.

Roman sighed. “Parker, I think you’re not seeing the big picture here. The romance was beautiful. Yes, there was a hiccup in the beginning, and that aspect of the tale never looks good, but the Beast _changes_ and Belle sees the beauty inside of him. It’s about loving him, and he learns to love too—both her and himself!”

Parker knitted his eyebrows. “He learned to love himself?”

“Well of course. He had insecurities throughout the whole movie. He could only see himself as the beast, and while, yes, he was beastly, it was also a metaphor for the beastly behavior he exhibited. But it was through selfless acts that he was able to show his true, human form! That’s what Belle fell in love with.” Roman gave Parker a dazzling smile. “He learned to love himself and that was demonstrated through Belle accepting him and his transformation!”

Parker stared at Roman for a moment and then looked back at the television, the credits still rolling. “I guess so.”

Roman sighed dramatically and deflated against him. “Come now, Parker. Must you be so negative? Self-love is not that hard of a concept to understand.”

“Yeah it is,” Parker mumbled.

Roman sat up at that immediately. “What?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Oh, don’t you start that. I heard you perfectly. I just hoped you would elaborate without fighting me.” Roman frowned. “Self-love is not a hard concept. It’s loving yourself.” Parker only gave him a blank look. “Alright, here, it’s like this.” Roman sat up straighter and Parker crossed his legs. “Say ‘My name is Parker and I love myself!’”

“My name is Parker and I love myself,” he said simply.

“There we go. How does that make you feel?”

Parker shrugged a bit and looked down. “I mean…um.”

Roman deflated a bit. “Okay, how about this? Tell me something you like about yourself.” Roman sat and waited, and after about two minutes of silence while Parker stared at his hands, Roman said, “Parker…”

“I.” Parker sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I look like Thomas?”

“Well. I suppose that’s something, although that’s more of a compliment to _Thomas_ than one to _you_. Aspect of his personality or not, I wanted you to focus more on yourself.”

Parker winced and shifted. “What is there to like about sadness?” he mumbled.

Roman’s stomach churned at hearing that. “Plenty of things! Like. Ah. It’s cathartic. It helps to express emotions. Logan always said that crying was necessary to release toxins within the body which is why it helps to feel better after a good cry!”

“I guess.” Parker shook his head. “But I’m not saying I’m not necessary. There’s a difference between necessity and desire. Nobody _likes_ to be sad.”

“Nobody likes to be anxious either, but Virgil is a fan favorite,” Roman pointed out.

“That’s different. Virgil plays a protective role. People latch onto that. I…” He sighed again. “I’m new to the series. And none of the fans know what I actually did. Even though they don’t, I’m not a Side that they’re really latching onto. ‘Sadness’ isn’t a protagonist.”

“Neither is Anxiety or Creativity or Logic or Morality,” Roman said. “We’re supporting characters to _Thomas’s_ protagonist. But you’re only talking around the issue.” He sat back on the bed and sighed. “You still need to say something you like about yourself, Parker.”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Roman looked at him. “There has to be something.”

Parker only shrugged and shrunk in on himself. “I don’t know,” he repeated, softer.

Roman felt terrible. He wanted to help Parker, but he didn’t know how. Confidence came easily to Roman. It was the benefit of being Thomas’s Ego as well as his Creativity.  Even if he didn’t always mean it, Roman was able to conjure up things he could say he liked about himself. To see Parker at such a loss as to what to say…it was painful.

“Maybe I should go,” Parker said.

Roman quickly sputtered, “No, no you don’t have to!”

“I’ve made things awkward. We just finished watching a good movie and—”

“Parker. Something like this isn’t going to make me stop our movie nights or anything of that sort, so _relax_.” Roman sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I just. I don’t like knowing that you can’t…you can’t find something good about yourself. All of the others can, I just…assumed you could too.”

Parker shrugged and looked down at his lap. “I tend to only see the negative. That’s my job now.”

“Not necessarily.” Roman crossed his arms and hummed. “You do plenty of good things too, Parker”

Parker actually kind of snorted at that. “You don’t need to make things up for me.”

“I’m not.”

“I haven’t done anything good. I’m _Sadness_.”

Roman shook his head. “You told Thomas to address his feelings. You wouldn’t let him simply push them away. You make it known that we don’t always have to be perfectly _happy_ all the time, that acting like that isn’t healthy. Of course that’s a good thing.”

Parker sighed and closed his eyes. “Fine. I did _one_ good thing after years of doing terrible things. After doing a _really, really bad thing_.”

“We all make mistakes.”

“Not like that.” Parker rubbed at his eyes as they burned, warning of tears.

Roman bit his lip for a moment and then said, “You’re getting better. And I want you to acknowledge that you’re getting better.” He placed a tentative hand on Parker’s knee, and Parker looked up. “I’m going to tell you when you’re doing good things.”

“You…what?”

“When you do something good, I’m going to let you know.”

“Why?”

“Because I want you to realize that you do more good than you give yourself credit for.” Roman smiled. “You’re a Side of Thomas, and not one that should be ignored.”

Parker blinked, not sure what to say, so he only nodded. “Okay.”

Roman still smiled, even as he settled back against the bed again. “Okay. Do you want to watch another movie?”

Parker shrugged a bit, but settled beside Roman anyway. “Sure.”

With a beaming smile, Roman said, “Good choice.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha, sorry it's been so long since an update! I had some bad computer problems so it took a while to get things fixed again. Plus, school, you know? Sorry again!

"Hey, Virgil," Roman said, "could I…ask you about something?"

Virgil glanced at him. This was supposed to be a no-talking relaxation time. He and Roman often lounged together in complete silence. Virgil would listen to music or just let his mind wander and Roman would write ideas or just watch a movie. They liked company, they liked being around others to feel safe and secure, so they would just sit together. They rarely  _spoke_  with one another.

"Sure," Virgil ultimately said.

Roman sat up a little straighter and shifted to face him. Virgil sighed and did the same, sitting up completely and crossing his legs so he could face Roman on the couch.

"Okay. So." Roman chewed his lip. "Obviously you can make your own decisions and you have every right to be upset or say no or just ignore me. I just wanted to lay out the way I have viewed things and I don't want you to continue only seeing things the same way because that's not exactly good and—"

"Oh my  _god_  Roman, just get to the point," Virgil groaned.

Roman stopped and pressed his lips tightly together. "My point is…Parker has been getting better. He's been trying. And I think that he might deserve…a chance. I think you should give him a chance."

Virgil's expression immediately soured, and he withdrew in on himself. He crossed his arms tightly. "So that's what this is about."

"Well…yes. We've all seen that you're still hesitant to be around Parker—"

"And why do you think that is?"

Roman shook his head. "You have every right to be upset and uncomfortable around him. But don't you think that it's better to strive for change and healing?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well…Well you and I learned to get past our differences. And now we work well together, we can help Thomas a lot more than we could before. We aren't creating chaos in his head. Don't you want to avoid that chaos?"

Virgil glared, and his crossed arms tightened. "I'm supposed to just let Parker do whatever for the sake of Thomas? Who cares how I feel?"

"Oh, come on, don't get all defensive like that. Please?"

"I'm not being defensive. I just…it's dumb. This is dumb. You shouldn't be getting so worked up about this."

Roman shook his head. "I'm not the one that's getting worked up, Virgil. Do you really want to hold this grudge for years? Can't you just let it go?"

"No, I can't!" Virgil snapped. "I can't just 'let it go', Roman. I can't. I can't let go of everything that he's done. Why should  _I_ have to give him a chance? What has he done, really? He's not Fear anymore, sure. He's sad. He's upset. We hurt him. But he hurt us—he hurt  _me_ —right back. It doesn't matter if he says sorry. That doesn't change the five years I spent with him. And it doesn't matter if  _we_  say sorry, because it doesn't change the twenty years he had! Nobody can fix anything, especially not by  _letting it go_. Do you think he's let anything go?"

"Virgil there's no need to shout—"

"I think there  _is_  a need for shouting, Roman! Nobody ever wants to be  _angry!_  Anger is so terrible, it's awful, it's  _bad_  in this mindscape! Thomas can't have anger! We can't have anger! Why not, Roman? Why can't I be angry? Why can't I be spiteful and furious at Parker for everything? Why can't I be angry at you for being so antagonistic towards me for the past fifteen years? Why can't I be angry at Logan for putting us there in the first place? Why do I have to let everything go?"

Roman already knew that bringing this up was a bad idea but now he was backpedaling and didn't know what to do to calm Virgil down. "I didn't mean let everything go."

Virgil clenched his fists. "Yes, you did. You do. You just want everything to be solved. You want the same normalcy and calm environment as when you all first got rid of us. You want no fighting. You want no fear, no anger, no sadness, no  _anxiety_. It's all you ever want. But I'm sick of letting you all have what you want. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And I'm not going to forgive Parker for what he did."

Everything fell silent. It took Virgil a minute to realize that Roman was staring over his shoulder, and when Virgil turned, he saw Parker loitering in the doorway. Virgil scowled down at his feet, offering up no explanation or apology. Parker knew how he felt. Virgil wasn't going to stand down from that.

At one point Roman silently got up and left the room. Parker stayed standing for a while until Virgil looked up and told him, "I meant what I said."

Parker quickly looked down at his feet. "I know," he said softly. "I'm not going to try to change your mind."

Virgil nodded and stared at Parker with hard eyes. Anger still simmered in his gut like a stove on low. Why should he forgive him? Why should he even be expected to? He never even got a real apology from them after being kept at the back of the mind. Too many apologies from Parker, and not a single one from the other Sides. And it made him  _angry._

"Why did they forgive you?" Virgil muttered. When Parker said nothing, he looked at him, to find confusion on Parker's face. "It took them fifteen years to forgive me for being Anxiety, for just existing. They forgave you for everything the day of."

Parker shrugged a bit. "Maybe they learned from everything with you?" he offered weakly.

"Well that's still unfair."

"I know."

"You don't." Virgil gritted his teeth. "You didn't have to go through it."

Parker winced and looked down. "I know. I know I didn't. I still know that it was unfair to you." He closed his eyes. "Maybe the other expect you to forgive me, but I don't. After what I did…I just wish you'd see that I'm at least trying to be better." He messed with his jacket sleeves. "I'm not just…just moving on because the others forgive me. I know that you don't. I know that they shouldn't. And I know that I haven't done anything to earn that forgiveness in the first place. So I'm just trying to get better and…and if not make up for what I did, at least never let anything like that happen ever again. I want to be a good part of Thomas. I want to be a good…me. I don't want to ever hurt you like I did before."

Virgil held his gaze on Parker for a while before he looked away at a spot on the wall. "I know," he mumbled. "I'm glad you're trying to be better."

Parker looked at Virgil, his stomach rolling a bit with hope and the knowledge that he shouldn't be too hopeful.

Virgil sighed and said, "Maybe Roman had a point. Maybe it would be good if we…tried healing." He looked at Parker. "I might not stop being angry. And I don't forgive you…But we can try to be better."

"Together," Parker agreed softly.


End file.
